ASINARIA
“JACK-ASSES GALORE”
PERSONAE:
NARRATORS: MARIA DRUMMOND & STELLA BUTERA
DEMONIUS: aged gentleman of Rome, dedicated skirt-chaser ROGATUS NOFER
LIBANA: a slave of Demonius (Moe?) CAIA HEYWOOD
LIBIDINA: a second slave of Demonius (Larry?) SILIA JOHNSON
LIDONICA: a third slave of Demonius (Curly?) MARGARETTA LAWLACE
LETERIPUS (RIP): his son, in love with Philia, MAXIMUS PRIMUS TYLER
ASINARIUS: an ass-dealer (merchant) GAIUS NORRIS
PUER PIGER: his servant LATUS HARRIS
DIABOLUS: a Roman “gentleman,”the rival of Leteripus ZACHARIAS LASKIN
SANGUISUGA (Mr. Bloodsucker):parasite/attorney PHILLIPUS SCHWEIGER
HIRUDO: (“ Mr. Leech”) Sanguisuga’s parasite LUCRETIUS MILLER
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: wife of Demonius. a rich Roman matron LATUS BRADLEY
BRECHIOBANCUS:her slimey chamberlain AMARA LERMAN
PUELLA PAULA: her slave girl GRACCHUS DOMBROWSKI
CLEOPHATRA: a courtesan CORVUS ROGAFF
PHILIA: her daughter FLAVIA GILBERT
NIDIA: an ugly, mean stepsister GABRIELLA LEVIN
UANTIA: a second ugly, mean stepsister: IULIA PRIMA SCHWARTZ
PEDISEQUA: the lady’s maid LUCILLIA MISAJET
THE SUBJECT
LETERIPUS, the son of DEMONIUS, is violently in love with PHILIA, a young woman who is living with her
mother, CLEOPHATRA, a Roman courtesan. This lady has made an agreement with a certain CAPTAIN
DIABOLUS to transfer PHILIA to him for 20 minae, on the condition, however, that if LETERIPUS can get that
sum together first, he shall have her. LETERIPUS, having exhausted all his own resources, applies to his father
DEMONIUS, an over-indulgent and frankly immoral old coot, and requests of him the 20 minae. DEMONIUS is
married to ARTERIOSCHLEROSA, a very rich woman. He is totally dependent on the will of his wife and her oily
chamberlain BRECHIOBANCUS. He agrees to help his son.
Just then ASINARIUS the ass-dealer arrives, to pay BRECHIOBANCUS, the chamberlain, 20 minae, the price of
some asses which he had previously purchased. LIBANA, a crafty slave, and her two impossibly dumb side-
kicks LIBIDINA and LIDONICA, decide that one of them shall impersonate the chamberlain BRECHIOBANCUS,
and so receive the money from the ass-dealer. This is done, and the money can be paid to LIDONICA in the
presence of DEMONIUS, who assures the dealer that LIDONICA is the person to whom the money is payable.
The 20 minae are then given to LETERIPUS, with the disgraceful stipulation that for one day the father gets to
enjoy the company of PHILIA. The son agrees to this, and they all sit down to a banquet with marvelous
entertainments, lots of food and wine. NIDIA or UANTIA unsuccessfully turn their attentions on the men, but to
no avail. Meanwhile, DIABOLUS discovers the banquet in progress, and he sends the parasites SANGUISUGA
and HIRUDO to inform ATERIOSCHLEROSA of her husband’s deceit. She accordingly accompanies the
parasites to Cleophatra’s house, and discovers her husband in the company of his son and the young women,
all in the midst of thoroughly enjoying themselves. After soundly rating her husband DEMONIUS, she leads him
off, while LETERIPUS remains in possession of PHILIA.
NARRATOR: haec comedia Romae agit
Senex Demonius errare cupit
pecuniam uxoris igitur rapit
deinde pecuniam filio tradit
res ridicula certe est vobis
comedia igitur incipiat nobis.
A street in Rome. Enter Demonius from his house, followed by his three slaves, Libana, Libidina, and Lidonica,
who are about the silliest most irreverent, and ill-behaved slaves on the planet.
LIBANA: Dic mihi, Domine, filium tuum amas?
DEMONIUS: Toto corde.
LIBIDINA: Et uxorem? (winking slyly at the other two)
DEMONIUS: ba......inspuo illum verbum. (spits on the ground).
LIDONICA: Age, age, usque excrea!
DEMONIUS: Etiamque?
LIBANA: Usque ex penitis faucibus.
LIBIDINA Etiam amplius.
LIDONICA: Usque ad mortem volo.
DEMONIUS: Cave sis malam rem.
LIBANA: Uxoris dicimus, non tuam!
DEMONIUS: Melius, melius. (he really hawks one up from the deep and spits it far).
Servae, me oportet auxilium.
L’s: (lining up smartly like soldiers, saluting and coming to attention. Paratae sumus, domine!!
- 2 -
DEMONIUS: Servae, filius meus Leteripus amat puellam nomine Philiam.
LIBANA: Heus! Istam Philiam?
LIBIDINA: Filiam Cleophatrae?
LIDONICA: Eheu! (the slaves look at each other in astonishment and begin sniggering)
DEMONIUS: Eam novisse? (The three look at each other like Demonius must be crazy. Philia is the daughter
of a notorious woman in town. Everyone knows her.)
LIBANA: Sed Domine, Philia desiderat plus quam Rip dare possit.....er plus argenti dire volebam.
DEMONIUS: Cur non adiuvas?
LIBIDINA: Adiuvat, domine. et ego adiuvo ut adiuvet.
LIDONICA: Et ego adiuvo ut adiuvet ut adiuvet!
DEMONICUS: Sed cavete uxorem meam. (rubs his bottom as if still feeling the sting)
LIBANA: Tu in primis, et ego sequor. (rubs his bottom as well)
LIBIDINA: Deinde ego (rubs also)
LIDONICA: Et quoque ego! (last to rub his bottom).
ALL: Arterioschlerosa! blech! (All spit in unison). Et Brechibancus! blech!
(ar which Brechiobanchus immediately enters.) Er, salve Brechiobanche. quid agis?
BRECHIOBANCHUS: Quaesio, quid agitis vos?
DEMONIUS: Oportet nobis filio adiuvare.
BRECHIOBANCUS: Flagellum solum eum adiuvat. Quid in animo habes?
ALL: (to the tune of “Everybody Ought to Have a Maid”).
Omnibus oportet puella
omnibus oportet virgo pul-cher-a!
celerrima, acerrima
et tacita ut sic mus!
Oh, oh, puella delicata, et impudicata
circum villam! - 3 -
Oh, oh! deliciae Leteripi
dormiens in
purgans aut....
omnibus oportet puella
omnibus oportet virgo pul-cher-a!
agens in culina
purgans in tablino
currens in cubiculo
ruens sic ab domino
circum villulam!
puella!
puella!
puella!
puella!
LIBANA: sed Domine, est tuae uxori totum argentum
BRECHIOBANCUS: Et ego totum rego! Bonam fortunam! (turns suddenly and minces away)
DEMONIUS: (to the stooges) Me defraudare debetis!
LIDONICA: Maximas nugas agis. quomodo nudo detrahere vestimenta?
DEMONIUS: Clarissima idea!!!!
L’s: Ita, Domine?
DEMONIUS: Necesse est vobis....clarissima idea habere! Ad argentariam ibo. ciao!
Scene 2
Center stage a house all gaudy and froufrou with a prominent sign above the door: DOMUS INFAMIA
CLEOPHATRAE (“Cleophatra’s House of Ill Repute”). Suddenly the door flies open, and RIP is catapulted out
to land flat on his bottom in the street. The door slams shut.)
RIP: AY!!! Omnia pecunia perdidi. mala femina! optimi septem dies vitae meae ei tradidi!
me vendicare volo!
- 4 -
CLEOPHATRA: (exiting the house, throwing his toga in his face) Noli numquam reddere, iagal!
RIP: Tibi poenas maximas!
CLEOPHATRA: Ho ho ho! Magna sunt verba, sed parvam virgam fers!
RIP: Male agis mecum. Philiam amo!
CLEOPHATRA: Da mihi minas viginti, et Philia tibi erit unum annum.
RIP: Viginti minas? patrimonium est!!!
CLEOPHATRA: beh, pater scit optime! (she returns into the house)
RIP: recta est. Pater! Sed ubi est Pater? Ad forum ibo. (and he’s off to the Forum to find Daddy.)
Scene 3
Several hours later. Enter Libidinus and Lidonicus, arguing and doing a little head-bashing)
LIDONICA: Oh, vai, vai? Est mihi nulla idea! Fortuna me reliquit! Adiuva me, gymnasium flagri!
LIBIDINA: Fortuna fortibus favet, custos carceris.
LIDONICA: O catenarum colone, puta, puta!
LIBIDINA: Tace, virgarum lascivia!
LIDONICA: Ridebo quando pendes per pedes.
LIBANA: (rushing in with news.) Pueri! Dominus Major in foro est. Dominus
Minor in villa.
LIBIDINA & LIDONICA: Et?
LIBANA: Meministine asinos veteres quos Domina vendidit Asinario?
LIBIDINA & LIDONICA: Et?
LIBANA: Ibit Brechiobanco totum argentum.
LIBIDINA & LIDONICA: Et? - 5 -
LIBANA: Ecce homo! tu, Lidonica es Brechiobancus. (The other two look at him as if he were crazy. Then it
starts to dawn on them – Lidonica will disguise himself as the steward Brechiobancus, take the money payment
for the asses from the unknowing mule boy, then hand the money over to Demonius. The perfect plan!!)
Enter Asinarius with his slave, Puer Piger.
ASINARIUS: Pulsa ianuam, Puer. (Puer Piger looks at him stupidly, Asinarius bonks him to get his attention,
then the boy knocks on the door, turning to look around as he continues knocking on LIBANA, who opens the
door.)
LIBANA: Quis est?
ASINARIUS: Sum Asinarius. Ubi est Brechiobancus?
LIBANA: Quis eum desiderat?
ASINARIUS: Asinarius, asine!!
LIBANA: Veniam peto. (screaming) Brechiobanche!!!! (“Brechiobancus” – Lidonica in disguise – appears at
the door, with a stylish chamberlains’ get-up, but clearly not filling the shoes of a chief steward. ASINARIUS is
suspicious).
ASINARIUS: Num es Brechiobancus?
LIDONICA: Certe. Specta me servos verberantem!! (he starts to beat the tar out of Libana and Libidina, in the
way any good and normal master would. She even starts beating Asinarius’ slave boy, Puer Pigre, just for good
measure.)
L’s: oi yoi oi yoi. Brechibanche, cessa. cessa!!
ASINARIUS: Iove summo! Servi te odissent.
LIDONICA: Certe.
PUER PIGER: Verberas ut incubus! Stercus calidum! Flagitium hominis, impudice, sceleste! carnufe! !
Dabitus supplicium mihi de tergo tuo!
LIDONICA: Locutus, ut verus servus!
ASINARIUS: Arterioschlerosa est re vera tua domina.
LIDONICA: Eadem
ASINARIUS: Est mihi pecunia dominae tuae. Ubi est?
- 6 -
LIDONICA: Abest. pecuniam capiam
ASINARIUS: Non tam celeriter! Puta me stupidus esse? (The three L’s look at each other in astonishment at
this question.)
PUER PIGER: (mouthing almost silently) stupidus re vera est!
LIBIDINA: I cum Brechiobanco ad forum. Dominus adest.
ASINARIUS: Eamus! (As they exit, he beats Puer Piger all the way.)
ACT III
Scene 1
(Enter Cleophatra and her daughter Philia from their house, stage center. Next to them are the ugly step-
sisters Nidia and Uantia, bridling, annoying, and ridiculous.)
CLEOPHATRA: insolita puella es. Cum recte agis, male facis. Si male feceris, recte ages! Impudica!
PHILIA: Sed mammina, puella bona sum
NIDIA: (mockingly) Puella bona est! blech!! (sticks her tongue out at Philia)
UANTIA: Matricula, volumus amatrices esse. (looking smugly at Philia)
CLEOPHATRA: (envisioning her entire business go down the drain) Mamma mia!! Numquam vos!
Carissima Philia, fac ut te dicam.
PHILIA: iubes me facere fas existimo!
CLEOPHATRA: noli nugas narrare!
PHILIA: sed amo Leteripum!
NIDIA & UANTIA: quam horror!!
CLEOPHATRA: nihil imprudentius. oblivisci eum!!
NIDIA & UANTI: Miserrima Philia!! (as mockingly as possible)
Vita mala est, aihime!
Vita mala est nobis,
Non deliciae, sed dola,
Neque basiae, sed pugnae, – 7 -
Vita mala est!
Notate typanum
Uh huh, ih huh, uh huh!
Sic salteamus
Est sua filia
No bigga dealia,
Semper sic loquimur
Fortassse dicis “cur”?
Verba sunt multa sic
Loqui est pulchrum, dic!
Fortasse requiris
est plane cucu vis!
OMNES: REFRAIN
Est pulchra Philia
A reala stealia!
Semper hanc sequimur
Fortasse dicis “cur”?
Sorores sumus vai!
Amari pulchrum , my!
Fortasse requiris,
Sum’s quoque cucu, vis!
OMNES: REFRAIN
CLEOPHATRA: Philia! domum! (PHILIA enters the house sadly.) Filiae! Ad stabulas!! (NIDIA & UANTIA
look at the entrance to their mother’s establishment, and wistfully go around the corner to the stables. Enter
the three L’s from the forum, with a large money pouch.
LIBANA: Asinarius est asinus stupidus. Pecuniam mihi tradidit!
Enter Rip and Philia from Cleophatra’s house. He has been thrown out once and for all.
LETERIPUS: Vale, munde crudelis!
PHILIA: Noli me relinquere!! te amo!!
LETERIPUS: Mater tua mihi dixit, domum ire iussit. Bene vale. Apud Orcus te videbo.
PHILIA: Mihi certum est facere in me omnia eadem quae tu in te faxis.
RIP: Oh, melle dulci dulcior tu es.
- 8 –
-
LIBANA: ( coming between them before they can embrace) Rip, viginti minae hic
insunt in crumina.
PHILIA: Mi Libane, ocellus aureus, aniticulam, columbam vel catellus,
hirundinem, moenrulam, passerculum, putillum.
LIBIDINA: Etiam quid?
PHILIA: Gallinam, coturnicem, agnellum, haedillum me tuum dic esse vel
vetellum!
LIDONICA: (wiping off Libana’s brow) Whoa!!
RIP: Dic mihi, quid facere debeo, ut pecuniam habeam?
LIBIDINA: Totus annus tibi, prima nox patri.
RIP: QUID?
LIDONICA: Nonne desideras pecuniam?
RIP: Certe.
LIBIDINA: Patri trade! Iam inest (pointing to Cleophatra’s House).
RIP: Est pater meus!! (taking the moneysack, kisses it with abandon, and he and Philia go in the house).
ACT IV
A short time later, in front of Cleophatra’s house. Enter Diabolus, a Roman citizen, rival of Rip, with his
parasite/attorney Sanguisuga (“Bloodsucker”) and his parasite Hirudo (“Leech”).
DIABOLUS: Bene, Sanguisuga, dic mihi istum agendum quem scripsi inter me et Philiam.
HIRUDO: (ingratiatingly) Oh, mirabilis est! Rebus legalibus Sanguisuga est
meliores quam omnes.
SANGUISUGA: (pulling out the contract and reading it) “Alienam hominem into
mittat neminem. Vocet neminem conviva illa. Suspiciones omnes
ab se segregat.”
HIRUDO: Optima est! Optima est!
DIABOLUS: Perge! - 9 -
SANGUISUGA: “Nec mater Philiam ad vinum accedat interim. Nec ulli verbo male
dicat. Si dixerit haec multa et esto, vino viginti dies ut careat.
DIABOLUS: Pulchre scripsisti! Cum signo suo, legalis erit. eamus!
They knock and are admitted into the house. The door closes. For some time, the stage is empty and silent.
Sounds of “Anything Goes” in the background. Suddenly the door flies open and Diabolus, Sanguisuga, and
Hirudo are thrown out , landing together on their bottoms. This has been the expert and most excellent work of
Pedisequa, Cleophatra’s maid – and bouncer.)
PEDISEQUA: Et nolite numquam reddere!
HIRUDO: Iste demonius Demonius! Eiactati sumus! nos vendicabimus! (shaking his fist at the door).
DIABOLUS: Sed ubi est mea puella?
PEDISEQUA: Tua puella? Quis ait?
SANGUISUGA: Ego. Demonius et Leteripus illam non habebunt!!
DIABOLUS: Domum erripeamus! (The three of them charge the door to tear apart the house. They
get thrown out again. Pedisequa is not fooling around. They’re no match for her.)
DIABOLUS: Hercle. Ista serva fortis est.
PEDISEQUA: Si sodetis, beluae!
SANGUISUGA: Provideo ego, Domine.
HIRUDO: Et ego.
DIABOLUS: (not wishing further thrashings) Bene, bene. Domi manebo. Fate melius ut puteatis.
(Exeunt)
ACT V
(A short time later, in the House of Cleophatra. A drinking party is in progress with Philia, Rip, and Demonius,
sitting close together on a couch. There is a lot of laughing, with Philia trying to avoid Demonius’ advances
while getting closer to Rip. Nidia and Uantia sneak in on either side and try to get the attention of both of the
men)
NIDIA: Sum pulchra!
Ita vero, pulchra! - 10 -
“Pulchra” est unica res faciam!
UANTIA: Innocens!
Ita vero, innocens!
Similis sum somnio tam vero!
NIDIA & UANTIA: Nonne, verecundus est?
aut coquere, scribere, legere
nobis est!
Sed pulchrae sumus
Tam pulcherrimae sumus
“Pulchra” est unica res
quam offerre possumus!
(Demonius and Rip try to shove them away, but they continue)
Nunc Venus domata est!
Helen et suae mille naves
verecundo mortuae sunt!!
Et sumus laetae,
Laetae, sumus pulchrae
Unum rem laetitia facit!
donum est nobis patri filioque!
(Rip and Demonius look at each other like they’re going to hurl rockets..
PEDISEQUA: (to the girls) exite, exite! Haec est domus bonus, non vobis.
(Enter Arterioschlerosa and her slave Puella Paula, Sanguisuga, and Hirudo. Unseen by the partiers, they
comment on the scene, as she espies Demonius making a fool of himself.)
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Meus vir adest? Monstrum!! Et filius meus? aihime!! (she bonks
Puella Paula on the head in her rage.)
PUELLA PAULA: Aihime, Domina. Nihil feci!
SANGUISUGA: Convivia optima est! (wistfully, wishing he were in on it).
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Et pecuniam meam rapuit?
HIRUDO: Viginti minae!
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Ladrunculum damnatum!! (slams Puella Paula in the back.)
PUELLA PAULA: VAI!!!! Cur tu me pulsas sic?
- 11 -
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Tace, stulta!
SANGUISUGA: Puellam istam emit. (pointing out Philia).
HIRUDO: Unum annum reditus!
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Reditus! Viginti minae. Patrimonium est! (kicks Puella Paula in the bottom.)
PUELLA PAULA: ai! Domina. Innocens sum.
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Patrimonium est MEUM!
HIRUDO: Et patri et filio puella ibit.
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Non potest! Satis, satis!! (Puella Paula cringes, waiting to get knocked around) At
ista rata ego praeter alios meum virum frugi, siccum frugi,
continentem et amantem uxoris maxime!!
PUELLA PAULA: Rectum est.
SANGUISUGA: At nunc ante omnes minimi mortalem preti, madidum, nihili,
incontinentem atque osorum uxoris suae.
HIRUDO: Capeamus eos!
They sneak in on the scene. Demonius is trying to get a kiss. Philia is trying to avoid him.
PHILIA: Num uxor te amat!!
DEMONIUS: Ut piscis frigidus in glacie!
PEDISEQUA: Omnes caneamus!
(To the tune of “Anything Goes”)
OMNES: Antiquae Romae, si tu vis, In olden days of Ancient Rome.
you know
Gens fecit nihil, gratias agp dis Folk sat around just doing zero
Fac! Quisquam, si vis! Now heaven knows
Anything Goes!
Illis diebus filius non fecit In those proud days a son would rather
male et pater eum amavit Box a bear than bother his father
Fac! Quisquam, si vis! Now everything shows
The way it goes.
Solebam ut It used to be
Dignitas et That honesty
Pietas et - 12 - Was our policy
Gravitas et The one for which we fought
Libertas nos oportebant But now we guess
Sed nunc scimus Success will bless
improbitatem nostram Our crookedness -
laetitiam nobis ferre sic! If only we don’t get caught!
Si capti non, dic!
Et And
Asinae lactum nobis dabunt Mules give milk and lions are browsers.
quando feminae togas gerent sic When the females will wear the trousers
Fac! Quisquam, si vis! And everyone knows
Everything goes!
Dormire malim cum pulcibus I’d rather room with ticks and fleas
quam amare sic per tempora haec! Then love again through times like these -
When everyone knows
omnes sciunt How deep it flows -
stercus Up to the nose!-
quam alte id fluit Buddy, it’s gross!
ad nasum et And that’s how it goes!
putridum et
sordidum et
AIHIME!
Sed omnes sciunt In our hard times the sons are dastardly
Caelum quoque scit And all the Dads are libidinous rascals!
Fac! Quisquam, si vis! You may well suppose!
Anything Goes!!
Arterioschlerosa has had enough. She reveals herself to the crowd.
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Basta! basta! Mi carissime vir! (with dripping sarcasm)
DEMONIUS: Mi di!
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: I domum subito, magne amator!
- 11 -
LETERIPUS: Ah Mater! Salve, Mater Alta!
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Immo mater ab altis profundis!! (turning to Cleophatra)
Quomodo vir et filius hanc domum intrati sunt?
PUELLA PAULA: Per ianuam, Domina. (Her mistress belts her a good one).
CLEOPHATRA: Quis eos vult? Molesti sunt. Semper intrant. (taking Demonius by the ear, she leads him
over to Arterioschlerosa)
- 13 -
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: (so mad at her husband, she forgets all about Leteripus.) Veni, veni, mi vir. Te
abduco domum. Ibis in crucem.
PHILIA: (looking around at the empty room.) Euge abierunt. Immo intro potius.
Sequere hac me, mi anime. (to Leteripus)
LETERIPUS: Ego vero sequor. (exeunt).
NARRATOR: Hic senex si quid clam uxorem suo animo facit volup
neque novum neque mirum fect nec secus quam alii solent;
nec quisquam est tam ingenio duro nec tam firmo pectore,
quin ubi quicque occasionis sit sibi faciat bene,
nunc si vultis deprecari huic seni ne vapulet,
remur impetrari posse, plausum si clarum datis.
- 14 –
ASINARIA
(“Jack-Asses Galore”)
NARRATOR: Athens formerly, but now Rome
Serves as setting for this play
Demonius wanting to have his way
Excited by an itch to roam
Steals some money from his spouse;
Gives it to his son to bless
An entire year in blissful excess
Oh, what silly lives we lead
Riotous with lurid mess
Engorged in folly toe to head.
A street in Rome. Enter Demonius from his house, followed by his three slaves, Libana, Libidina, and Lidonica,
who are about the silliest most irreverent, and ill-behaved slaves on the planet.
LIBANA: Tell me, Master, do you love your son?
DEMONIUS: With all my heart.
LIBIDINA: and the wife? (winking slyly at the other two)
DEMONIUS: ba......I spit that word. (spits on the ground).
LIDONICA: come on! Come on! Spit it farther!
DEMONIUS: How far yonder?
LIBANA: To the grave.
LIBIDINA Even farther.
LIDONICA: To the death, I say.
DEMONIUS: Watch your tongue, cow-bait!
LIBANA: Your wife’s grave, not yours.
DEMONIUS: That’s better. (he really hawks one up from the deep and spits it far).
Slaves, I need help.
L’s: (lining up smartly like soldiers, saluting and coming to attention. We’re here for
you, Master!
DEMONIUS: Slaves, my son Leteripus loves a girl by the name of Philia.
LIBANA: Wow! That dastardly Philia?
LIBIDINA: Daughter of Cleophatra?
LIDONICA: eheu! (the slaves look at each other in astonishment and begin sniggering)
DEMONIUS: You know her? (The three look at each other like Demonius must be crazy. Philia is the daughter
of a notorious woman in town. Everyone knows her.)
LIBANA: But Master, Philia wants a lot more than Rip can give…er in the way of
money, I mean.
DEMONIUS: Well, why don’t you help him out a little?
LIBIDINA: He does help, Master. And I help him help him.
LIDONICA: And I help him help him help him.
DEMONICUS: But watch out for my wife! (rubs his bottom as if still feeling the sting)
LIBANA: Watch out for yourself first. Then me. (rubs his bottom as well)
LIBIDINA: Then me! (rubs also)
LIDONICA: And me too. All I get are hands-me-down. (last to rub his bottom).
ALL: Arterioschlerosa! blech! (All spit in unison). And Brechibancus! blech!
- 2 -
(at which Brechiobanchus enters.) Er, hi, Brechiobanche. What’s up?
BRECHIOBANCHUS: I should ask, what’s up with you?
DEMONIUS: We’ve gotta help my sonny-boy.
BRECHIOBANCUS: Only a whip would help that joker. What do you have in mind?
ALL: (to the tune of “Everybody Ought to Have a Maid”).
Everybody ought to have a maid!
Everybody ought to have a working girl!
A lurking girl, who’s
Quiet as a mouse!
Oh, oh, a delicate little flower, shameless on the hour
Around the house!
Oh, oh! Pet of Leteripus
Sleeping in
Cleaning out...
Everybody ought to have a maid
Everybody out to have a pretty girl
Scouring in the kitchen
Cleaning in the study
Rushing in the bedroom
Running from the Master
All around the house!
A Maid!
A Maid!
A Maid!
A Maid!
LIBANA: But master, your wife has all the money.
BRECHIOBANCUS: And I as Chief Steward control it all! (He turns suddenly and
minces away)
DEMONIUS: (to the stooges) I’ve got it! You must cheat me!
LIDONICA: You’re really talking nonsense. How can you strip a naked man of his
clothes?
DEMONIUS: A brilliant idea!
- 3 -
L’s: Yes, Master?
DEMONIUS: That’s what you need. A brilliant idea. Well, I’m going to the
forum. ciao!
Scene 2
Center stage a house all gaudy and froufrou with a prominent sign above the door: DOMUS INFAMIA
CLEOPHATRAE (“Cleophatra’s House of Ill Repute”). Suddenly the door flies open, and RIP is catapulted out
to land flat on his bottom in the street. The door slams shut.)
RIP: AY!!! I’ve spent all my money. I just gave up the best seven days of my life
to that woman’s establishment. I’ll get my revenge!
CLEOPHATRA: (exiting the house, throwing his toga in his face) And don’t come
back, you jackal!
RIP: You’re going to get your just desserts!
CLEOPHATRA: Ho ho ho! You speak loudly, but you carry an extremely little stick.
RIP: You’ve done me wrong. I love Philia!
CLEOPHATRA: Give me twenty minas, and Philia will be yours for one year.
RIP: Twenty minas? That’s a fortune.
CLEOPHATRA: Well, Father knows best. (she returns into the house)
RIP: She’s right. Daddy! But where is Daddy-o? I’m off to the Forum. (and he’s off to the Forum to find
Daddy.)
Scene 3
Several hours later. Enter Libidinus and Lidonicus, arguing and doing a little head-bashing)
LIDONICA: Oh, vai, vai? I need a good idea. Fortune has abandoned me. Well, hello
there, whippy-fingers.
LIBIDINA: Fortune favors the brave, Jail-bird.
LIDONICA: Oh, chain-farmer, think, think!
LIBIDINA: Shut up, you ravisher of young men!
LIDONICA: I’ll be laughing when you are hanging by the feet.
- 4 -
LIBANA: (rushing in with news.) Guys! Master Major is in the forum. Master
Minor is in the house.
LIBIDINA & LIDONICA: And?
LIBANA: Do you remember those old asses which Mistress sold to Asinarius?
LIBIDINA & LIDONICA: And?
LIBANA: All the dough’s going to Brechiobanchus.
LIBIDINA & LIDONICA: And?
LIBANA: Behold the man! You, Lidonica are now Brechiobancus. (The other two look at him as if he were
crazy. Then it starts to dawn on them – Lidonica will disguise herself as the steward Brechiobancus, take the
money payment for the asses from the unknowing mule boy, then hand the money over to Demonius. The
perfect plan!!)
Enter Asinarius with his slave, Puer Piger.
ASINARIUS: Knock on the door, Boy. (Puer Piger looks at him stupidly, Asinarius bonks him to get his attention,
then the boy knocks on the door, turning to look around as
he continues knocking on LIBANA, who opens the door.)
LIBANA: Who is it? Where’s Brechiobancus?
LIBANA: Who want him?
ASINARIUS: Asinarius, you ass!!
LIBANA: Pardon me. (screaming) Brechiobanchus! (“Brechiobancus” – Lidonica in disguise – appears at the
door, with a stylish chamberlains’ get-up, but clearly not filling the shoes of a chief steward. ASINARIUS is
suspicious).
ASINARIUS: Surely you cannot be Brechiobancus?
LIDONICA: But of course. Just watch me beat my slaves! (She starts to beat the tar out of Libana and
Libidina, in the way any good and normal master would. She even starts beating Asinarius’ slave boy, Puer
Pigre, just for good measure.)
L’s: oi yoi oi yoi. Brechibanche, stop, stop!
ASINARIUS: By Jove! Those slaves hate you.
LIDONICA: But of course.
PUER PIGER: You beat like something out of a nightmare! Hot doo-doo! Man-
beater! Shameless, wicked, mincemeat-maker! You pustulant,
puss-dripping maggot-oozing mass of mouse droppings! - 5 -
LIDONICA: Spoken like a true slave!
ASINARIUS: Arterioschlerosa really must be your mistress.
LIDONICA: The very same
ASINARIUS: I have your mistress’ money. Where is she?
LIDONICA: She’s out. I’ll just take that money……
ASINARIUS: Not so fast! Do you think I’m stupid? (The three L’s look at each other in astonishment at this
question.)
PUER PIGER: (mouthing almost silently) He really is stupid!
- 5 -
LIBIDINA: So go with Brechiobancus to the Forum. Master is there.
ASINARIUS: Let’s go! (As they exit, he beats Puer Piger all the way.)
ACT III
Scene 1
(Enter Cleophatra and her daughter Philia from their house, stage center. Next to them are the ugly step-
sisters Nidia and Uantia, bridling, annoying, and ridiculous.)
CLEOPHATRA: You are such a strange little girl. When you behave, you disobey
me. If you would just be bad, you’d be so good! Come on,
Daughter. You must do wrong to be right.
PHILIA: But Mommy, I’m a good little girl.
NIDIA: (mockingly) She’s a good little girl! blech!! (sticks her tongue out at Philia)
UANTIA: Mommy Dearest, we want to work in your house. (looking smugly at
Philia)
CLEOPHATRA: (envisioning her entire business go down the drain) Mamma mia!!
You’d wreck the business. Dear Philia, do as I say!
PHILIA: You order me to do that which I loathe.
CLEOPHATRA: Don’t’ speak nonsense.
PHILIA: But I love Leteripus. - 6 -
NIDIA & UANTIA: what a horror!!
CLEOPHATRA: nothing more ridiculous. Forget him!
NIDIA & UANTI: Poor old Philia!! (as mockingly as possible)
Vita mala est, aihime!
Vita mala est nobis,
Non deliciae, sed dola,
Neque basiae, sed pugnae
Vita mala est!
Notate typanum
Uh huh, ih huh, uh huh!
Sic salteamus
Est sua filia
No bigga dealia,
Semper sic loquimur
Fortassse dicis “cur”?
Verba sunt multa sic
Loqui est pulchrum, dic!
Fortasse requiris
est plane cucu vis!
OMNES: REFRAIN
Est pulchra Philia
A reala stealia!
Semper hanc sequimur
Fortasse dicis “cur”?
Sorores sumus vai!
Amari pulchrum , my!
Fortasse requiris,
Sum’s quoque cucu, vis!
OMNES: REFRAIN
CLEOPHATRA: Philia! You go home! (PHILIA enters the house sadly.) Daughters! Back to the stables!!
(NIDIA & UANTIA look at the entrance to their mother’s establishment, and wistfully go around the corner to the
stables. Enter the three L’s from the forum, with a large money pouch.
LIBANA: That Asinarius is a stupid ass. He actually gave me the money!
- 7 -
Enter Rip and Philia from Cleophatra’s house. He has been thrown out once and for all.
LETERIPUS: Good-bye, cruel world!
PHILIA: Oh, don’t leave me! I love you!
LETERIPUS: Your Mommy told me to go home. Well then, good-bye! I’ll see you
in hell.
PHILIA: You mustn’t say such things. I’d surely do the same to myself as you do
to yourself.
RIP: Oh, you’re the sweetest little sweet-meat that ever strutted a street.
LIBANA: ( coming between them before they can embrace) Rip, I’ve got twenty
minae right here in my pouch.
PHILIA: Libana, golden-eyed, little duck, dovey-puppy, goaty-girl, bitsy-birdy,
oopsy-poopsy lamby-pamby silly-willly woo-woo gal!
LIBIDINA: Well, is that all?
PHILIA: chicky-chickadee, partridge-in-a-pear tree, lamby-pie little moneyballs
honey-balls, little honey-money! You gorgeous side of beef, idle tiddle
diddlekins.
LIDONICA: (wiping off Libanus’ brow) Whoa!!
RIP: Tell me, what must I do for that money?
LIBIDINA: Agree she goes one year to you, but tonight to your father.
RIP: WHAT?
LIDONICA: You want the money, don’t you?
RIP: Of course.
LIBIDINA: Well, hand this over to your daddy. (pointing to Cleophatra’s House).
RIP: That’s my daddy, all right! (taking the moneysack, kisses it with abandon, and he and Philia go in the
house).
- 8 -
ACT IV
A short time later, in front of Cleophatra’s house. Enter Diabolus, a Roman citizen, rival of Rip, with his
parasite/attorney Sanguisuga (“Bloodsucker”) and his parasite Hirudo (“Leech”).
DIABOLUS: Well, Sanguisuga, suppose you read me the contract you drew up for
me and Phila and her mother.
HIRUDO: (ingratiatingly) Oh, it’s remarkable! Sanguisuga is the best lawyer in the
world!
SANGUISUGA: (pulling out the contract and reading it) “Philia shall spend with Mr. Diabolus all her days and
nights during the coming fiscal year to begin forthwith today at nine p.m. in the evening. She will admit no other
masculine presence into the house. If she happens by accident to look upon the person of another man, she
must wash her eyes out with soap and water and retire immediately to a dark closet.”
HIRUDO: Excellent! Excellent!
DIABOLUS: Go on!
SANGUISUGA: “And the mother must not push wine in Phila’s face, nor say any
bad word towards me. Just one bad word and she’ll have no wine
for twenty days!”
DIABOLUS: PBeautifully written! With Mom’s signature, the terms are in force.
They knock and are admitted into the house. The door closes. For some time, the stage is empty and silent.
Sounds of “Anything Goes” in the background. Suddenly the door flies open and Diabolus, Sanguisuga, and
Hirudo are thrown out , landing together on their bottoms. This has been the expert and most excellent work of
Pedisequa, Cleophatra’s maid – and bouncer.)
PEDISEQUA: And don’t ever come back!
HIRUDO: That dastardly demon Demonius! We’ve been thrown out! Revenge! (shaking his fist at the door).
-
DIABOLUS: But where’s my girl?
PEDISEQUA: Your girl? Who says?
SANGUISUGA: We says. Demonius and Leteripus can’t have her!
- 9 -
DIABOLUS: We’ll rip the joint apart!(The three of them charge the door to tear apart the house. They get
thrown out again. Pedisequa is not fooling around. They’re no match for her.)
DIABOLUS: By Hercules! That slave woman is a strong one!
PEDISEQUA: Beat it, f you please, you wild feral things, you!
SANGUISUGA: I’ll se top that!
HIRUDO: Me, too!
DIABOLUS: (not wishing further thrashings) Well, well. I guess I’ll stay at home.
Just do what you think best! (exits)
ACT V
(A short time later, in the House of Cleophatra. A drinking party is in progress with Philia, Rip, and Demonius,
sitting close together on a couch. There is a lot of laughing, with Philia trying to avoid Demonius’ advances
while getting closer to Rip. Nidia and Uantia sneak in on either side and try to get the attention of both of the
men)
NIDIA: I’m lovely!
Yes, indeed, so lovely! - 9 -
“Lovely ” is the one thing I can do.
UANTIA: Winsome!
Yes indeed so winsome!
Similar as in some dream come true
NIDIA & UANTIA: Now, isn’t is a shame?
We can neither cook, nor sew, nor even
Write our name!
But we’re lovely
Absolutely lovely
“Lovely” is the one thing
We can bring to you!
(Demonius and Rip try to shove them away, but they continue)
Now Venus should be tame!
Helen and her thousand ships
would have to die of shame!!
And we’re happy,
Happy ‘cause we’re lovely
It’s the one thing happiness can do!
Dad and son, it’s our small gift to you!
(Rip and Demonius look at each other like they’re going to hurl rockets…
- 10 -
PEDISEQUA: (to the girls) Scram, beat it! This is a good house, not for the likes of you.
(Enter Arterioschlerosa and her slave Puella Paula, Sanguisuga, and Hirudo. Unseen by the partiers, they
comment on the scene, as she espies Demonius making a fool of himself.)
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Good heavens, my husband is here? And my son?
Aihime!! (in her rage, she bonks Puella Paula on the head.)
PUELLA PAULA: Aihime, Mistress. I haven’t done anything!
SANGUISUGA: It does look like a swell party! (wistfully, wishing he were in on it).
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: And you say he stole my money?
HIRUDO: Twenty minae!
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Damned thief!! (slams Puella Paula in the back.)
PUELLA PAULA: VAI!!!! Why are you beating me?
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Quiet, you idiot.
SANGUISUGA: Well, he bought that girl! (pointing out Philia).
HIRUDO: Renter her, for a whole year!
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Rented her? Twenty minae? Why that’s a fortune! (kicks Pulla Paula in thebottom.)
PUELLA PAULA: ai! Mistress. I’m the innocent one here!
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Well, it’s MY fortune!
HIRUDO: And then the girl will go to both dad and son.
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: It can’t be! I’ve heard just about enough! (Puella Paula cringes, waiting to get
knocked around) And to think I thought he was the best man I ever knew. Sober, industrious, upright, worthy.
Honest all the way. I thought he loved me most of all forever.
PUELLA PAULA: How right you are.
SANGUISUGA: But now he’s the lowest low-down loser I ever met. A drunk, a letch, a crook. Incontinent and
unfaithful to his wife! And my baby boy!!
HIRUDO: Let’s go get’em!
They sneak in on the scene. Demonius is trying to get a kiss. Philia is trying to avoid him.
PHILIA: But surely your wife loves you! - 11 -
DEMONIUS: Yeah, like a cold fish on ice.
PEDISEQUA: Let’s all sing!
(To the tune of “Anything Goes”)
OMNES: Antiquae Romae, si tu vis, In olden days of Ancient
Rome. you know
Gens fecit nihil, grati’ago dis Folk sat around just doing
Fac! zero
Quisquam, si vis! Now heaven knows
Anything Goes!
Illis diebus filius non fecit In those proud days a son
would rather
male et pater eum amavit Box a bear than bother
Fac! his father
Quisquam, si vis! Now everything shows
The way it goes.
Solebam ut It used to be
Dignitas et That honesty
Pietas et Was our policy
Gravitas et The one for which we
fought
Libertas nos oportebant But now we guess
Sed nunc scimus Success will bless
improbitatem nostram Our crookedness -
laetitiam nobis ferre sic! If only we don’t get caught!
Si capti non sumus, dic!
Et And
Asinae lactum nobis dabunt Mules give milk and lions
are browsers.
quando feminae togas gerent sic When the females will wear
Fac! the trousers
Quisquam, si vis! And everyone knows
Everything goes!
Dormire malim cum pulcibus I’d rather room with ticks
and fleas
quam amare sic per tempora haec! Then love again through
times like these -
When everyone knows
omnes
sciunt How deep it flows -
stercus Up to the nose!-
quam alte id fluit Buddy, it’s gross!
ad nasum et - 12 - And that’s how it goes!
putridum et
sordidum et
AIHIME!
Sed omnes sciunt In our hard times the sons
are dastardly
Caelum quoque scit And all the Dads are
Fac! libidinous rascals!
Quisquam, si vis! You may well suppose!
Anything Goes!!
Arterioschlerosa has had enough. She reveals herself to the crowd.
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Okay, that’s it! My dearest darling husband! (with
dripping sarcasm)
DEMONIUS: My gods!
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Go home right now, you big lover, you.
LETERIPUS: Ah Mother! Hi, Mommy Highest!
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: No, I’m Mommy from hell!! (turning to Cleophatra)
Say, how did my husband and son get in here, anyway?
PUELLA PAULA: Through the door, Mistress. (Her mistress belts he a good one).
CLEOPHATRA: Who want’em anyhow? They’re pests. They’re always getting in
one way or another. (taking Demonius by the ear, she leads him
over to Arterioschlerosa)
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: (so mad at her husband, she forgets all about Leteripus.)
Com’on, you. I’m dragging your gray hairs home.
PHILIA: (looking around at the empty room.) Yippee! I’d rather not go so far.
Follow me, Rip, my darling (to Leteripus)
LETERIPUS: Yes, you first – and I’ll bring up the rear. (exeunt).
NARRATOR: You think the old guy found someone good
Who’ll do what his wife in fact just never would;
And to the one who is light of heart and firm of breast,
Watch out! Your name’ll be mud just like all the rest,
Now laugh all you like at this old goat, he got his due,
“Better him,” you think at “Anything goes!” than you!
- 13 -
- 7 -
.
ASINARIA
“JACK-ASSES GALORE”
PERSONAE:
NARRATORS: MARIA DRUMMOND & STELLA BUTERA
DEMONIUS: an aged Roman gentleman, dedicated skirt-chaser ROGATUS NOFER
LIBANA: a slave of Demonius (Moe?) CAIA HEYWOOD
LIBIDINA: a second slave of Demonius (Larry?) MARIA DRUMMOND
LIDONICA: third slave of Demonius (Curly?) MARGARETTA LAWLACE
LETERIPUS (RIP): his son, in love with Philia, “the girl next door” MAXIMUS
PRIMUS TYLER
ASINARIUS: an ass-dealer (merchant) GAIUS NORRIS
PUER PIGER: his servant LATUS HARRIS
DIABOLUS: a Roman “gentleman,”the rival of Leteripus ZACHARIAS LASKIN
SANGUISUGA (Bloodsucker):his parasite/attorney LUCRETIUS MILLER
HIRUDO: (Leech) Sanguisuga’s parasite LUCRETIUS MILLER
ARTERIOSCHLEROSA: Demonius’ wife. rich Roman matron, LATUS BRADLEY
BRECHIOBANCUS:her slimey chamberlain AMARA LERMAN
PUELLA PAULA: her slave girl GRACCHUS DOMBROWSKI
CLEOPHATRA: a courtesan CORVUS ROGAFF
PHILIA: her daughter FLAVIA GILBERT
NIDIA: an ugly, mean stepsister GABRIELLA LEVIN
UANTIA: a second ugly, mean stepsister: IULIA PRIMA SCHWARTZ
PEDISEQUA: the lady’s maid LUCILLIA MISAJET
THE SUBJECT
LETERIPUS, the son of DEMONIUS, is violently in love with PHILIA, a young woman who is living with her
mother, CLEOPHATRA, a Roman courtesan. This lady has made an agreement with a certain CAPTAIN
DIABOLUS to transfer PHILIA to him for 20 minae, on the condition, however, that if LETERIPUS can get that
sum together first, he shall have her. LETERIPUS, having exhausted all his own resources, applies to his father
DEMONIUS, an over-indulgent and frankly immoral old coot, and requests of him the 20 minae. DEMONIUS is
married to ARTERIOSCHLEROSA, a very rich woman. He is totally dependent on the will of his wife and her oily
chamberlain BRECHIOBANCUS. He agrees to help his son.
Just then ASINARIUS the ass-dealer arrives, to pay BRECHIOBANCUS, the chamberlain, 20 minae, the price of
some asses which he had previously purchased. LIBANA, a crafty slave, and her two impossibly dumb side-
kicks LIBIDINA and LIDONICA, decide that one of them shall impersonate the chamberlain BRECHIOBANCUS,
and so receive the money from the ass-dealer. This is done, and the money can be paid to LIDONICA in the
presence of DEMONIUS, who assures the dealer that LIDONICA is the person to whom the money is payable.
The 20 minae are then given to LETERIPUS, with the disgraceful stipulation that for one day the father gets to
enjoy the company of PHILIA. The son agrees to this, and they all sit down to a banquet with marvelous
entertainments, lots of food and wine. NIDIA or UANTIA unsuccessfully turn their attentions on the men, but to
no avail. Meanwhile, DIABOLUS discovers the banquet in progress, and he sends the parasites SANGUISUGA
and HIRUDO to inform ATERIOSCHLEROSA of her husband’s deceit. She accordingly accompanies the
parasites to Cleophatra’s house, and discovers her husband in the company of his son and the young women,
all in the midst of thoroughly enjoying themselves. After soundly rating her husband DEMONIUS, she leads him
off, while LETERIPUS remains in possession of PHILIA.
NARRATOR: haec comedia Romae agit
Senex Demonius errare cupit
pecuniam uxoris igitur rapit
deinde pecuniam filio tradit
res ridicula certe est vobis
comedia igitur incipiat nobis.
A street in Rome. Enter Demonius from his house, followed by his three slaves, Libana, Libidina, and Lidonica,
who are about the silliest most irreverent, and ill-behaved slaves on the planet.
LIBANA: Dic mihi, Domine, filium tuum amas?
DEMONIUS: Toto corde.
LIBIDINA: Et uxorem? (winking slyly at the other two)
DEMONIUS: ba......inspuo illum verbum. (spits on the ground).
LIDONICA: Age, age, usque excrea!
DEMONIUS: Etiamque?
LIBANA: Usque ex penitis faucibus.
LIBIDINA Etiam amplius.
LIDONICA: Usque ad mortem volo.
DEMONIUS: Cave sis malam rem.
LIBANA: Uxoris dicimus, non tuam!
DEMONIUS: Melius, melius. (he really hawks one up from the deep and spits it far).
Servae, me oportet auxilium.
L’s: (lining up, saluting and coming to attention. Paratae sumus, domine!!
DEMONIUS: Servae, filius meus Leteripus amat puellam nomine Philiam.
LIBANA: Heus! Istam Philiam?
LIBIDINA: Filiam Cleophatrae?
LIDONICA: Eheu! (the slaves look at each other in astonishmen, sniggering)
DEMONIUS: Eam novisse? (The three look at each other like Demonius must be crazy. Philia is the daughter
of a notorious woman in town. Everyone knows her.)
LIBANA: Sed Domine, Philia desiderat plus quam Rip dare possit.....er plus argenti dire
volebam.
DEMONIUS: Cur non adiuvas?
LIBIDINA: Adiuvat, domine. et ego adiuvo ut adiuvet.
LIDONICA: Et ego adiuvo ut adiuvet ut adiuvet!
DEMONICUS: Sed cavete uxorem meam. (rubs his bottom as if still feeling the sting)
LIBANA: Tu in primis, et ego sequor. (rubs his bottom as well)
LIBIDINA: Deinde ego (rubs also)
LIDONICA: Et quoque ego! (last to rub his bottom).
ALL: Arterioschlerosa! blech! (All spit in unison). Et Brechibancus! blech!
(ar which Brechiobanchus enters.) Er