MOSTELLARIA
NARRATOR: Stella Clark
PSEUDOLUS: (“tricky one”) slave of Moriturus and Philococlea – Scipio Imasogie
HYSTERIUM: slave of Moriturus and Philococlea – Tiro Snider
ADNAUSEUM: apple-polishing slave from the family’s estate – Telemachus Mullin
PHILOCOCLEA: (“Snail-lover”) son of Moriturus – Marcellus Culp
PHILIA: (“Lover-girl”) beautiful freed slave girlfriend of Philococlea – Artemis Z.-P.
MORITURUS: (“About-to-die”) rich Roman, father of Philococlea – Octavius Maximus Fisher
MORITURA: his funny-looking wife – Bellatrix Snyder
PULCHER: (“Pretty-boy”) best friend of Philococlea, a party animal – Titus Bradley
SCABEA: (“Scratcher”) Philia’s maid – Maria Nichols
DELPHIA: (“Delphi girl”) girlfirend of Pulcher – Poppaea Adkins
MISARGENTARIUS: (“Bad-Money?) a loan shark (“danista”) – Leona Kimchi
SIMIO: (“Monkey-man”) aged, next-door neighbor of Moriturus – Trebius White
SIMIA: his monkey-faced wife – Octavius Primus Riley
MACCUS: clownish slave, servant of Pulcher – Mattheus Cooper
PINACUS: clownish slave, another servant of Pulcher – Celer Comstock
PHANTASMA: the Haunted House Door – Alesia Schwartz
ACT I
(Outside the house of Moriturus)
ADNAUSEAM: veni huc, limose nothe! ubi celas?
HYSTERIUM: (emerging) sss! quid est? cur tu clamas? abi! abi!
(hitting him) redi ad stercus! ecce!
ADNAUSEAM: ai ai! cur me pulsas?
HYSTERIUM: cur tu vivis, idiota!
PSEUDOLUS: (intervening, bonking both of them) sistite, stulti!
ADNAUSEAM: Pseudole! furcifer! estis mali. omnia patri dicam!
PSEUDOLUS: lingua lunga!
NARRATOR: salvete! haec commedia est “Mostellaria.” hic est Pseudolus actor principalis.
hic habitant Moriturus et Philococlea. aedes sunt larvis infestae (makes “haunting
noises). hic habitant umbrae. (reassuringly) minime! minime! pater Moriturus
abest. Philococlea laetissimus est. semper ludit. puellam amat. nunc pecuniam
non habet! aha. venit Philococlea. miser est.
(Enter Philococlea, terribly depressed and somewhat hung-over)
Scene 2
PHILOCOCLEA: (musing to himself, with great regret) ego his aedibus sum similis. olim novae
erant, pulchrae, candidae. sed dominus diu afuit. nunc purgimenta volunt. ego
quoque sum sordidus. pecuniam perdidi. omnia perdidi! aime! perditus sum!
(sinks down in despair)
Scene 3
NARRATOR: haec est Philia, puella pulchra et serva horribilis, Scabea
PHILIA: (on the other side of the house) quam felix sum, Scabea! noli Philolocleam insultare!
SCABEA: Philia, si omnia uni iuveni des, misera eris.
PHILOCOCLEA: (watching them, unseen) o sordida vacca. la strangulo!
PHILIA: sum libera quod Philococlea me amat.
SCABEA: et alii?
PHILIA: non sunt generosi quam Philococlea.
PHILOCOLEA: ah, deliciae meae! puella pulchra!
SCABEA: mox pecuniam non habebit. semper edit. semper bibit. numquam aliquem facit!
PHILCOCLEA: (jumping into the conversation) vetus harpia! hic facio! numquam in his aedibus
edes! abi, scrofa!
SCABEA: porce sordide! miser asine!
(Scabea runs off. Philococlea sidles up to Philia until the sounds of his partying friends are heard inside the house.)
Scene 4
NARRATOR: huc veniunt Pulcher et Delphia. convivi animalia sunt.
(Pulcher and Delphia are at the door. Pulcher is very drunk. He is nearly about to fall over on Delphia.)
PULCHER: aliquis domi?
DELPHIA: auxilium! gravis est!
PHILOCOCLEA: ecce, adsum. Pulcher, mi intime amice!
PULCHER: PH Ph Philococlea! mi mi amicule!
PHILOCOCLEA: ubi eras?
PULCHER: (belches) ubi? (singing) ubi, ubi (belch) eram Pulcher ebrius?
- 2 -
PHILOCOCLEA: (laughing) oh, ibi.
PHILIA: (to Pseudolus) porta plus vini ad Pulchrum.
PSEUDOLUS: (unctuously) subito!
(Pulcher starts snoring very loudly on Delphia’s shoulder. She can’t move)
DELPHIA: quid facio? (she moves away from him. He falls over like a dead log. She is brought some
wine. Pseudolus kicks Pulcher, just to make sure he is alive. She gives him a kick as well.
He just snores louder.)
ACT II
Scene 1
(In the street. enter Hysterium in a terrible panic.)
HYSTERIUM: di immortales!
ADNAUSEAM: quid est?
HYSTERIUM: Moriturus advenit! eum vidi!
ADNAUSEAM: ha ha ha. spectare volo!
HYSTERIUM: Philococlea! Moriturus redit. morituri sumus!
PHILOCOCLEA: quid?
ADNAUSEAM: (calmly and smugly) pater redit.
PHILOCOCLEA: quid faciam?
ADNEAUSEAM: mori!
HYSTERIUM: curre!
PSEUDOLUS: purga!
HYSTERIUM: claudite ianuas!
ADNAUSEAM: urinate in subuculis!
PHILOCOCLEA:(to Hysterium and Pseudolus in desperation) ferte mihi auxilium! (He and Hysterium
run into the house and slam the door)
(Scabea comes out from behind the house to give Pseudolus the key.)
Scene 2
NARRATOR: oh oh! magna calamitas! pater et mater reveniunt!
- 3 -
MORITURUS: ahh. diis gratias ago. domi sumus!
HYSTERIUM (from behind the door, an aside, extremely sarcastic) diis gratias ego!
MORITURUS: tres annos in Aegyptia! tandem domum redeo.
PSEUDOLUS: (dripping with sarcasm) o fortunati nos!
MORITURUS: heus! ianua clausa est. (struggling to open the door). quid accidit? aperi! APERI!
(He bends over to look through the keyhole, presenting his backside to Pseudola.)
PSEUDOLUS: quis est? vultum non ricognosco! (nasty little aside) vultus insolitus mihi est.
MORITURUS: Pseudole, mi serve.
PSEUDOLUS: ita vero, domine.
MORITURUS: cur ianua clausa est? diu pulsavi.
PSEUDOLUS: (shocked) ianuam tetigisti?
MORITURUS: eam perfregi!
PSEUDOLUS: quam horror! fuge, fuge, domine.
MORITURUS: quid accidit?
PSEUDOLUS: tangere significat “MORS!”
MORITURUS: (knees banging together) mors?
PSEUDOLUS: (dramatically) mors. septem menses aedes sunt clausae. domine, sunt...
MORITURUS: sunt?
PSEUDOLUS: sunt umbrae!
MORITURUS: umbrae! ha
(a ghostly voice – Hysterium’s - from within)
INSIDE VOICE boooooooooooooooo.........
MORITURA: aime! quid est!/
INSIDE VOICE: booooooooooooo,
PSEUDOLUS: domine, umbra est. fuge, fuge!
MORITURUS: mehercle, fugio subito.
- 4 -
MORITURA. mecastor! quoque ego! (they run off in a panic.)
PSEUDOLUS: (to audience) quam intellegens sum!
ACT III
Scene 1
NARRATOR: hic homo est Misargentarius. est homo stupidus! pecuniam iuveni dedit. et – ut
scitis – iuvenis pencuniam non diutius habet! Philococlea et servi in alto stercore
sunt!
MISARGENTARIUS: annus pessimus est danistis! nullae patellae fractae! nulla bracchia torta!
et est mihi nulla pecunia!
PSEUDOLUS: ho la, danista.
(Enter Moriturus and Moritura, sneaking around as if they had seen a ghost. Hysterium sneaks back from around the
house and stands between them and Misargentarius)
HYSTERIUM: salve, domine. ubi eras?
MORITURUS: eh?
HYSTERIUM: UBI ERAS?!!!
MISARGENTARIUS: HYSTERIUM!!
MORITURUS: danista te cognoscit?
HYSTERIUM: (diverting him, pulling out some dice) YAHTZEE! alea iacta est!
MORITURUS: oh, ludere volo. (taking the dice and starts playing. He’s about as big a fool as his
son.) 7 and 11, ha!
MORITURA: est magnus idiota!
MISARGENTARIUS: (to Pseudolus) veni huc, asine!
PSEUDOLUS: moi?
MISARGENTARIUS: ubi est pecunia mea? ubi est Philococlea? da mihi pecuniam, cretine!
PSEUDOLUS: salve. semper verecundus es?
MISARGENTARIUS: ubi est Philococlea?
PSEUDOLUS: abest.
MISARGYRIDES: dic mihi aliquid ignotum!
- 5 -
PSEUDOLUS: abi, sis, belua.
MISARGYIDES: dicens mihi? dicens mihi? dicens mihi?
PSEDUOLUS: Jodie Foster non sum.
MORITURUS: (playing dice loudly on the side, trying to fend Moritura off) yahtsee!!!
PSEUDOLUS: oh no!
(Moriturus and Hysterium cross to give Pseudolus the game back.)
HYSTERIUM: ecce Moriturus. pecuniam tibi dabit.
MORITURUS: edepol. pecuniam huic homini?
HYSTERIUM & PSEUDOLUS: no!
(Moriturus and Misargyrides stare them both down on either side until they cave in.)
HYSTERIUM & PSEUDOLA: ita vero.
MORITURUS: quanti est?
H & P: minimi est.
MORITURA: quanti est?
H & P: (holding up their thumb and forefinger about one inch apart) sic.
MORITURUS: (slapping both their hands) QUANTI EST??
H & P: quinquaginta sic........ argenti.
MORITURUS: (as if starting to have a heart-attack. staggers all over the stage and nearly collapses).
quinquaginta? QUINQUAGINTA? (holding up five fingers as H & P nod back at
him, afraid that they are in for the beating of their lives. Moritura starts fanning him an
throws a glass of water in his face.) pro di immortales!!
PSEUDOLUS: aedis filius.
MORITURUS: aedis filius? cur?
PSEUDOLUS: quod illis aedis umbrae sunt!
MORITURA: umbrae?
H & P: (explaining to this dopey couple) boooooooooooo.........
- 6 -
MORITURA: (in awe) pro di immortales. bene fecit.
MISARGYRIDES: et pecunia mea?
MORITURUS: pecuniam dabo.
MISARGYRIDES: omnia?
MORITURUS: omnia.
MISARGYRIDES: euge! (he exits)
PSEUDOLUS: (to the gods) sic fecerit, mendax numquam ero!
MORITURUS: (to Hysterium) et ubi sunt aedes?
HYSTERIUM: aedes? (looking futively at Pseudola).
MORITURUS: mustelae pessimae! aedes novae!! ubi sunt?
PSEUDOLUS: (pointing to the house next door, Simio,s house) ibi sunt!
MORITURA: fantastico! mi vir, volo videre.
PSEUDOLUS: aime, aime. (looking out into the audience) suntne alii mendaces extra?
HYSTERIUM: ecce Simio. fabulam mutabit.
Scene 2
SIMIO: cena optima erat! (rubbing his belly) uxor optima coqua est! dormire volo!
SIMIA: (yelling out the window) mi leo!! ubi es?
SIMIO: (chagrined at being caught) ecce. adsum, mel meum.
SIMIA: mi amores. veni huc!
SIMIO: quid vis?
SIMIA: te desidero.
SIMIO: aime!!
SIMIA: quid dicis?
SIMIO: dormire volo.
SIMIA: in cubiculum!
- 7 –
SIMIO: aime!
(Pseudolus & Hysterium have been listening nearby.)
PSEUDOLUS: (to Hysterium) cena optima erat, sed mensa secundia erit pessima!!
SIMIO: dormire in cubiculo non volo. res mirabilia!
HYSTERIUM: Simio, bone senex. quid agis?
SIMIO: bene, bene, bene.......
SIMIA (screaming out the window) mi carissime vir!!!!
SIMIO: male, male, male....
MORITURUS (offstage) PSEUDOLE!!! HYSTERIUM!!!!
H & P: nos quoque, male.
SIMIO: dicite mhi. quantum temporis?
PSEUDOLUS: non intellego.
SIMIO: quantum temporis, ludi aedibus? cenate, bibite, lascivite!
HYSTERIUM: sistimus, Simio.
SIMIO: sistitis? quomodo?
PSEUDOLUS: omnia mutata sunt. moriar.
HYSTERIUM: et ego quoque.
SIMIO: cur?
PSEUDOLUS: quod dominus rediit,
SIMIO: oh oh! in id estis ad collum. (pointing to his neck)
HYSTERIUM: auxilium quaerimus.
SIMIO: nihil facendi!
SIMIA (screaming out the window) SIMIO!!! mi amores. mi vir!!
SIMIO: (to H & P) quid vultis?
HYSTERIUM: invita dominum in aedes. amat cenam uxoris.
SIMIA: SIMIO!!! SIMIO! - 8 –
SIMIO: consilium optimum.
H & P: euge! (in relief)
MORITURUS: (re-entering) ubi eratis, imbecilles?
H & P: cum Simione. id fecimus!
MORITURUS: quid?
PSEUDOLUS: aedes videre potes.
MORITURUS: euge! ingeniosi estis. (to Simio) salve, Simio. aedibus tibi gratias ago.
SIMIO: (a little puzzled) veni, veni, amice. Simia te videre vult. (and they enter the house and he
broadly winks at H & P)
ACT IV
Scene 1
(Party time inside P.’s house. MIME sequence between Maccus and Pinacus this is a very broad parody and the young
party guests all enjoy it immensely. The acrobats Maccus and Pinacus enter to entertain Philococlea, Pulcher, Philia,
and Delphia. Adnauseam serves wine, slipping on fruit peels and dying, etc. Maccus and Pinacus do acrobatic tricks,
then they do a crazy version of “She bangs!”
Se crepit! se crepit!
o, et se movet, se movet!
insanus sum quod
flori similest
ut apis ea punget
ut omnis puella!
Se crepit, se crepit!
sprecatus sum, se movet! se movet!
nulla puella pulchriora
memento feminae in mente
una res certa est!
(Adnauseam is dragged out ot the house and kicked off the porch by Scabea, Delphia, and Philia. Scabea also throws
Maccus and Pinacus out of the house).
SCABEA: abite, ebrii furciferes!
DELPHIA: Scabea, plus vini. convivia optima sunt!
Scene 2
(Meanwhile, back at Simio’s house)
PSEUDOLUS: placetne tibi?
MORITURUS: mihi placet. (rubbing his hand together vigorously) ubi incipiam?
HYSTERIUM: aedes rapere potes.
- 9 -
MORITURUS: furtum est!
PSEUDOLUS: filius tuus bene fecit.
HYSTERIUM: necesse est pecuniam dare.
MORITURUS: subito! quanti est? (He gives H & P the money. They run away to give it to
Misargyrides. Walking out of Simio’s house, he sees Maccus and Pinacus looking
in through the windows of his “old house.”)
o, la. quid facitis?
MACCUS: ubi est Pulcher?
MORITURUS: cur ianuam pulsatis?
PINACUS: eh, senicule, eh, Papino. quid vis?
MORITURUS: quid facitis domi meo?
MACCUS: abi, homuncule!
MORITURUS: QUID FACITIS?
PIANCUS: dominus noster, Pulcher inest. domum portare debemus.
MACCUS: tre dies bacchanalia sunt.
MORITURUS:b..bbb.....bacchanalia?
P & M: optima erant!
PINACUS: Philococlea est re vera bestia!
MORITURA: (re-entering from offstage) filius meus?
MACCUS: optimus est, mammina. omnes puellas liberavit.
PINACUS: et omne vinum bibit!
MACCUS: et cibum edit!
PINACUS: et omnibus convivia fecit!
MORITURUS: et illas aedes emit! (pointing to Simio’s house)
M & P: num tu dicis!! (they exit)
MORITURUS: PHILOCOCLEA! TE NECABO!!!!!!!
- 10 -
Scene 3
MORITURUS: (waiting between the houses) ave Caesar, er Simio! dic mihi – Philococlea tibi
pecuniam dedit?
SIMIO: nihil.
MORITURUS: Pseudolus?........Hysterium? (Simio shakes his head to both)
SIMIO: minus zero. (makes a big round “0”with both hands).
MORITURUS: aedes numquam emit?
SIMIA: (exiting the house) lunatici!! cur aedes nostras vult.
MORITURA: quod sunt umbrae in aedibus nostris. Pseudole!! Hysterium! dolum erat!
eos necabo....lente, lente!!
ACT V
Scene 1
NARRATOR: ubi sumus? nihil intellego. confusio est. audite. Pseudolus et Hysterium etiam plus
confusionis facient. oh oh. huc veniunt Moriturus et Moritura. me celo.
MORITURUS: (holding a whip) servos verberabo. mihi veritatem dicent!! PSEUDOLE!!
MORITURA: (to the audience) homo fortis est, mi vir.
(Pseudolus heads for the altar in the street where by custom he is immune from violent seizures and whippings.
Hysterium is right behind him.)
MORITURUS: descendite! asini!
PSEUDOLUS: nihil facendi!
MORITURUS: servi! portate ligna! pyram extruite!
MORITURA: mi vir, un barbe-que! fantastico!
MORITURUS: podices vestros ardebo!
Scene 2
(Just as he starts to light the pyre of fire, Pulcher arrives on the scene. he has put on a judge’s robe and cap, and is
trying to play the part of a good citizen. He is still suffering a bit of a hang-over, however)
PULCHER: (stretching and yawning) ave Moriture. quid agis?
PSEUDOLUS : (before Moriturus can answer) gratias tibi ago, sed ardeo hodie.
HYSTERIUM: domine, ibo ego!
- 11 -
MORITURUS: ha! hodie calorem sentietis!
P & H: cives: audite nos! auxilium! immunitatem!
PULCHER: audiam. iudex sum. dicite! (to Moriturus & his wife) filius tuus mihi omnia dixit.
(belches, winking broadly to the audience) excusabilis est.
MORITURA: necesse est ei veniam dare. mi bebe!
MORITURUS: sed necesse est punire illos servos!!!
PSEUDOLUS & HYSTERIUM: pieta! pieta, domine.
MORITURA: stercora sordida! flagellum...marcus ardens, spellinare.....
P & H: domina, veniam petimus! You’re beautiful!! (kissing the hem of her
stola)
PULCHER: melius est.
MORITURUS: ebbene.....veniam dabo.
P & H: euge! commediae finis!
(All together for a song at the end.)
Se crepit! se crepit!
o, et se movet, se movet!
insanus sum quod
flori similest
ut apis ea punget
ut omnis puella!
Se crepit, se crepit!
sprecatus sum, se movet! se movet!
nulla puella pulchriora
memento feminae in mente
una res est certe!
GHOST: comes back in and scares everyone off.
- 12 -
ENGLISH VERSION MOSTELLARIA
NARRATOR: Stella Clark
PSEUDOLUS: (“tricky one”) slave of Moriturus and Philococlea – Scipio Imasogie
HYSTERIUM: slave of Moriturus and Philococlea – Tiro Snider
ADNAUSEUM: apple-polishing slave from the family’s estate – Telemachus Mullin
PHILOCOCLEA: (“Snail-lover”) son of Moriturus – Marcellus Culp
PHILIA: (“Lover-girl”) beautiful freed slave girlfriend of Philococlea – Artemis Z.-P.
MORITURUS: (“About-to-die”) rich Roman, father of Philococlea – Octavius Maximus Fisher
MORITURA: his funny-looking wife – Bellatrix Snyder
PULCHER: (“Pretty-boy”) best friend of Philococlea, a party animal – Titus Bradley
SCABEA: (“Scratcher”) Philia’s maid – Maria Nichols
DELPHIA: (“Delphi girl”) girlfirend of Pulcher – Poppaea Adkins
MISARGENTARIUS: (“Bad-Money?) a loan shark (“danista”) – Leona Kimchi
SIMIO: (“Monkey-man”) aged, next-door neighbor of Moriturus – Trebius White
SIMIA: his monkey-faced wife – Octavius Primus Riley
MACCUS: clownish slave, servant of Pulcher – Mattheus Cooper
PINACUS: clownish slave, another servant of Pulcher – Celer Comstock
PHANTASMA: the Haunted House Door – Alesia Schwartz
ACT I
(Outside the house of Moriturus)
ADNAUSEAM: Com’ere, you slimy son of no one! Where are you hiding?
HYSTERIUM: (emerging) sss! What it is? Why all the shouting? Beat it!
(hitting him) Go back to your pile! Take that!
ADNAUSEAM: youch! Why are you hitting me?
HYSTERIUM: Because you’re alive, you idiot!
PSEUDOLUS: (intervening, bonking both of them) Cut it out, you two!
ADNAUSEAM: Pseudolus, you rascal! You two are bad news. I’m gonna tell the master when he
gets home!
PSEUDOLUS: Tattletale!
NARRATOR: Greetings! This comedy is called The Hunted House. This fellow is Pseudolus, the
principal actor. Here live Moriturus, Moritura, and their son Philococlea (“Snail-
lover.”) The house is supposed to be haunted. Ghosts lives here. No, not really –
But while mom and dad are away, the mice have played. Philococlea has really been
a happy guy – always partying, and he has a girl friend, too. But he’s spent all the
money, and is in hot soup. Here he comes. He looks like one miserable guy.
(Enter Philococlea, terribly depressed and somewhat hung-over)
Scene 2
PHILOCOCLEA: (musing to himself, with great regret) I’m just like this house. Once it was new,
beautiful, clean. But the owners have been away for too much time. Now it
needs a good wash. I am filthy, too. I’ve spent all the money. I’ve lost
everything! Alas. I am really done for!
Scene 3
NARRATOR: This is Philia, the pretty girlfriend, and her awful slave Scaby.
PHILIA: (on the other side of the house) I’m so happy, Scaby, so don’t dis Philoloclea. He freed me!
SCABEA: Philia, if you put all your eggs in one basket, you’ll end up in big trouble.
PHILOCOCLEA: (watching them, unseen) that dirty cow! I’ll strangle her!
PHILIA: I’m free because Philococlea loves me so much!
SCABEA: And all the others?
PHILIA: They’re not as generous as Philococlea.
PHILOCOLEA: Ah, my darling! What a beautiful and sweet girl!
SCABEA: Well, he won’t have any money soon, the way he eats, drinks, and parties. He never
does anything except enjoy a good time.
PHILCOCLEA: (jumping into the conversation) You old harpy, you! I’ll do this! You’ll never eat
in this household again. How do you like them apples! Get out, you old sow!
SCABEA: You dirty pig! You miserable jack-ass!
(Scabea runs off. Philococlea sidles up to Philia until the sounds of his partying friends are heard inside the house.)
Scene 4
NARRATOR: Here come Pulcher and Dephia, real party animals!
(Pulcher and Delphia are at the door. Pulcher is very drunk. He is nearly about to fall over on Delphia.)
PULCHER: Anybody to home?
DELPHIA: Help! He’s is trouble here!
PHILOCOCLEA: Hi, I’m home. Pulcher, my very dearest buddy.
PULCHER: PH Ph Philococlea! My sweet old friend.
PHILOCOCLEA: Where were you?
PULCHER: (belches) Where? (singing) O where, o where was little drunky Pulcher?
- 2 -
PHILOCOCLEA: (laughing) Oh, there you were.
PHILIA: (to Pseudolus) Bring more wine for Pulcher. He’s on an empty tank.
PSEUDOLUS: (unctuously) Right away, master.
(Pulcher starts snoring very loudly on Delphia’s shoulder. She can’t move)
DELPHIA: What to do? (she moves away from him. He falls over like a dead log. She is brought some
wine. Pseudolus kicks Pulcher, just to make sure he is alive. She gives him a kick as well.
He just snores louder.)
ACT II
Scene 1
(In the street. enter Hysterium in a terrible panic.)
HYSTERIUM: By the immortal gods!
ADNAUSEAM: What’s wrong?
HYSTERIUM: Moriturus is back! I saw him down at the port.
ADNAUSEAM: Ha ha ha. I want to see this.
HYSTERIUM: Philococlea! Your dad’s back. We’re really gonna get it now.
PHILOCOCLEA: What?
ADNAUSEAM: (calmly and smugly) Your father has returned.
PHILOCOCLEA: O gosh, what am I going to do?
ADNEAUSEAM: Maybe die?
HYSTERIUM: Run!
PSEUDOLUS: Cean up!
HYSTERIUM: Shut the doors!
ADNAUSEAM: Wet your pants.
PHILOCOLEA: (to Hysterium and Pseudolus in desperation) bring help! (He and Hysterium
run into the house and slam the door)
(Scabea comes out from behind the house to give Pseudolus the key.)
Scene 2
NARRATOR: Uh oh! Major disaster!! Mom and pop are returning!
- 3 -
MORITURUS: Ahh. The gods be thanked. We’re finally home.
HYSTERIUM (from behind the door, an aside, extremely sarcastic) Yeah, the gods be thanked.
MORITURUS: Three years in Egypt. Home at last!
PSEUDOLUS: (dripping with sarcasm) Oh lucky us!
MORITURUS: Hey! The door’s shut. (struggling to open the door). What’s up? Open up!
(He bends over to look through the keyhole, presenting his backside to Pseudolus)
PSEUDOLUS: What’s that? I sure don’t recognize that face.
MORITURUS: Pseudolus, my slave.
PSEUDOLUS: It’s me, Master.
MORITURUS: Why is the door locked? I knocked for the longest time.
PSEUDOLUS: (shocked) My gods, you touched the door?
MORITURUS: I almost knocked it down.
PSEUDOLUS: Yikes! Flee, Master.
MORITURUS: What’s happened?
PSEUDOLA: Touching it means DEATH.
MORITURUS: (knees banging together) Death?
PSEUDOLUS: (dramatically) Death. The doors’ve been shut these seven months now. There…
MORITURUS: There are….
PSEUDOLUS: Ghosts!
MORITURUS: Ghosts! A likely story.
(a ghostly voice – Hysterium’s - from within)
INSIDE VOICE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.........
MORITURA: Egads, what’s that?
INSIDE VOICE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
PSEUDOLUS: Mistress, it’s a ghost. Your house is haunted. Flee, flee!
MORITURUS: By Hercules. I’m getting out of this place right now!
- 4 -
MORITURA. By Castor, I’m getting out, too! (they run off in a panic.)
PSEUDOLUS: (to audience) I am so smart, I make myself sick.
ACT III
Scene 1
NARRATOR: This guy is Misargentarius, a loan shark and incidentally a real dummy. He lent a
lot of money to Philococlea – and – as you already know – Philococlea spent it all.
Philococlea and his sidekick slaves are in deep doo-doo now!
MISARGENTARIUS: It’s been a bad year for loan sharks. No broken knee-caps! No twisted
arms. And I’m real short on cash.
(enter Pseudolus, trying to keep Moriturus and Moritura off track.)
PSEUDOLUS: Hi, Misargyrides.
(Enter Moriturus and Moritura, sneaking around as if they had seen a ghost. Hysterium sneaks back from around the
house and stands between them and Misargentarius)
HYSTERIUM: (causually) Oh, hello, Master. Where’ve you been?
MORITURUS: Huh?
HYSTERIUM: WHEVERE’VE YOU BEEN?
MISARGENTARIUS: HYSTERIUM!!
MORITURUS: You know a loan-shark?
HYSTERIUM: (diverting him, pulling out some dice) Master – new game in town. YAHTZEE! This
die is cast!
MORITURUS: Hey, I wanna play! (taking the dice and starts playing. He’s about as big a fool as his
son.) 7 and 11, ha!
MORITURA: My husband is a total idiot.
MISARGENTARIUS: (to Hysterium) Come here, you jack-ass!
PSEUDOLUS: Moi?
MISARGENTARIUS: Where’s my money? Where’s Philococlea? Gimmee the money, you
Numbskull!
PSEUDOLUS: Hi. Are you always this shy?
MISARGENTARIUS: Where’s Philococlea?
PSEUDOLUS: Gone..
– 5 –
MISARGYRIDES: Tell me something I don’t know!
PSEUDOLUS: Beat it, jerk!
MISARGYIDES: You talkin’ to me’ you talking to me?
PSEDUOLUS: Hey, I’m not Jodie Foster.
MORITURUS: (playing dice loudly on the side, trying to fend Moritura off) yahtsee!!!
PSEUDOLUS: Oh no!
(Moriturus and Hysterium cross to give Pseudolus the game back.)
HYSTERIUM: Here’s Moriturus. He’ll give you back your dough.
MORITURUS: Geez. I owe this guy money?
HYSTERIUM & PSEUDOLUS: Not much!
(Moriturus and Misargyrides stare them both down on either side until they cave in.)
HYSTERIUM & PSEUDOLA: Well, a little.
MORITURUS: How much?
H & P: Not much.
MORITURA: HOW MUCH?
H & P: (holding up their thumb and forefinger about one inch apart) This much.
MORITURUS: (slapping both their hands) HOW MUCH?
H & P: 50 big ones.
MORITURUS: (as if starting to have a heart-attack. staggers all over the stage and nearly collapses).
500????? FIFTY? (holding up five fingers as H & P nod back at
him, afraid that they are in for the beating of their lives. Moritura starts fanning him and
throws a glass of water in his face.) By the immortal gods!
PSEUDOLUS: Bbut your son bought a new house!
MORITURUS: My son bought a new house? Why?
PSEUDOLUS: Bbecause there are ghosts in your house.
MORITURA: Ghosts?
H & P: (explaining to this dopey couple) you know, BOOOOOOOOOOOOO.........
- 6 -
MORITURA: (in awe) By the gods, he did well,
MISARGYRIDES: What about my dough?
MORITURUS: I’ll give you your money.
MISARGYRIDES: All of it?
MORITURUS: All of it.
MISARGYRIDES: Hooray! (he exits)
PSEUDOLUS: (to the gods) If you help me get out of this one, I‘ll never lie again!
MORITURUS: (to Hysterium) And just where is this house?
HYSTERIUM: House? (looking futively at Pseudola).
MORITURUS: You stinking weasels! The new house. Where is it!!???
PSEUDOLUS: (pointing to the house next door, Simio,s house) Over there.
MORITURA: Fantastic! It’s a beauty. I wish to see it, my husband.
PSEUDOLUS: Aime, aime. (looking out into the audience) Are there any other liars out there?
HYSTERIUM: What about Simio? Now the story’s really gonna change.
Scene 2
(coming out of the house, looking for a way to escape the attentions of his wife.)
SIMIO: Dinner was great. (rubbing his belly) My wife is a fine cook. A nap would be perfect
SIMIA: (yelling out the window) My gorgeous lion? Where are you?
SIMIO: (chagrined at being caught) Rats. Here I am, sweetie-pie.
SIMIA: My darling. Come here!
SIMIO: What do you want?
SIMIA: I’d like you to come here.
SIMIO: What a creep!
SIMIA: What did you just say??
SIMIO: I’d like to sleep.
SIMIA: Well, you can come on in the bedroom, dearie.
- 7 –
SIMIO: Alas and alack!
(Pseudolus & Hysterium have been listening nearby.)
PSEUDOLUS: (to Hysterium) Dinner might have been good, but the dessert is gonna be lousy!
SIMIO: Wonder of wonders, I just don’t feel like sleeping in the bedroom.
HYSTERIUM: (approaching Simio) Simio, my good man, how is it going?
SIMIO: Great, great, great....
SIMIA (screaming out the window) My dearest husband!!!
SIMIO: Bad, bad, bad. So bad, I can’t tell you.
MORITURUS (offstage) PSEUDOLUS!!! HYSTERIUM!!!!
H & P: Us too. Pretty bad.
SIMIO: Tell me. How long is it?
PSEUDOLUS: I don’t understand.
SIMIO: How long is it – the party in that house. You dine. You drink. You chase pretty girls.
HYSTERIUM: It’s all over, Simio.
SIMIO: All over? Why?
PSEUDOLUS: The jig is up. And incidentally, I gonna die.
HYSTERIUM: Me too.
SIMIO: Why?
PSEUDOLUS: Because the master has returned home.
SIMIO: Oh oh! You’re both in some pretty deep stuff – up to your necks, I’d say.
HYSTERIUM: We’re looking for help.
SIMIO: nothing doing!
SIMIA (screaming out the window) SIMIO!!! My love! My strong husband!
SIMIO: (to H & P) What can I do for you. Anything to get awqay from that!
HYSTERIUM: Invite the master into your home. He just loves your wife’s cooking.
SIMIA: SIMIO!!! SIMIO! - 8 –
SIMIO: Excellent idea!
H & P: Euge! (in relief)
MORITURUS: (re-entering) Where were you, you imbeciles?
H & P: With Simio. Master, we did it!
MORITURUS: What?
PSEUDOLUS: He’s gonna let you see the house.
MORITURUS: Hooray! You’re brilliant! (to Simio) Greetings, Simio. Thanks for the house.
SIMIO: (a little puzzled) Come, come, friend. Simia wants to seee you. (and they enter the house
and he broadly winks at H & P)
ACT IV
Scene 1
(Party time inside Moriturus’ house. MIME sequence between Maccus and Pinacus this is a very broad parody and the
young party guests all enjoy it immensely. The acrobats Maccus and Pinacus enter to entertain Philococlea, Pulcher,
Philia, and Delphia. Adnauseam serves wine, slipping on fruit peels and dying, etc. Maccus and Pinacus do acrobatic
tricks, then they do a crazy version of “She bangs”
Se crepit! se crepit!
o, et se movet, se movet!
insanus sum quod
flori similest
ut apis ea punget
ut omnis puella!
Se crepit, se crepit!
sprecatus sum, se movet!
nulla puella pulchriora
memento feminae in mente
una res certa est!
(Adnauseam is dragged out ot the house and kicked off the porch by Scabea, Delphia, and Philia. Scabea also throws
Maccus and Pinacus out of the house).
SCABEA: Scram! You impudent scoundrels!
DELPHIA: Scaby, bring on the wine. This is a great party!
Scene 2
(Meanwhile, back at Simio’s house)
PSEUDOLUS: Do you like it?
MORITURUS: I love it.. (rubbing his hand together vigorously) Where do I begin?
HYSTERIUM: Take his wife, please.
- 9 -
MORITURUS: It’s a steal!
PSEUDOLUS: Your son did pretty well.
HYSTERIUM: But you’ve got to pay up now.
MORITURUS: Right away. It’s a wonderful house. How much? (He gives H & P the money. They
run away to give it to Misargyrides. Walking out of Simio’s house, they see Maccus
and Pinacus looking in through the windows of his old house, “Party-Central.”)
o, la. What are those guys doing?
MACCUS: Where’s Pulcher?
MORITURUS: Why are you knocking on that door?
PINACUS: Hey, you old poop, Daddy-o. What do you want?
MORITURUS: What are you doing at my house?
MACCUS: Beat it, you stupid creep.
MORITURUS: WHAT IN THE SAM HILL ARE YOU DOING?
PIANCUS: Our master Pulcher is inside. We ought to be getting him home.
MACCUS: There’s been a party going on for three days now.
MORITURUS: P…ppp.....party?
P & M: It was sure a swell one!
PINACUS: That Philococlea is some party beast, all right.
MORITURA: (hearing as she re-enters from offstage) My son?
MACCUS: He’s great, Mommy-o. He freed all the slave girls.
PINACUS: And drank all the wine.
MACCUS: And ate all the food.
PINACUS: And put on great parties for absolutely everyone.!
MORITURUS: And he also bought that house! (pointing to Simio’s house)
M & P: You don’t say. Great boy, you’ve got there! (they exit)
MORITURUS: PHILOCOCLEA! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!
- 10 -
Scene 3
MORITURUS: (waiting between the houses) Hail Caesar, er Simio! Tell me –does Philococlea owe
you any money?
SIMIO: Not a cent.
MORITURUS: Pseudolus?........Hysterium? What about them? (Simio shakes his head to both)
SIMIO: minus zero. (makes a big round “0”with both hands).
MORITURUS: He never bought this house?
SIMIA: (exiting the house) Lunatics! Why would he want our house, when he has all that?
MORITURA: Because our house is haunted. (It’s now starting to dawn on her). Pseudolus!
Hysterium! It was all a trick! I’m going to kill them – and as slowly as possible!
ACT V
Scene 1
NARRATOR: Well, where are we now? I don’t’ understand anything. Everything is so mixed
up. And Pseudolus and Hysterium are busy making even more of a mess. Oh oh.
Here come Moriturus et Moritura. I’m gonna hide out.
MORITURUS: (holding a whip) I’m gonna beat those stinkin’ slaves until they tell me everything.
PSEUDOLUS!
MORITURA: (to the audience) My husband is a such a big brave guy, isn’t he.
(Pseudolus heads for the altar in the street where by custom he is immune from violent seizures and whippings.
Hysterium is right behind him.)
MORITURUS: Get down from there! You asses!
PSEUDOLUS: Nothing doing!
MORITURUS: Slaves, Bring on the firewood. We’re gonna smoke ‘em out. Pile up the firewood!
MORITURA: Oh, my husband. A slave barbeque – how delicious.
MORITURUM: I’m gonna burn your big beautiful fundaments!
Scene 2
(Just as they start to light the pyre of fire, Pulcher arrives on the scene. He has put on a judge’s robe and cap, and is
trying to play the part of a good citizen. He is still suffering a bit of a hang-over, however)
PULCHER: (stretching and yawning) Ciao, Moriturus.. What’s up?
PSEUDOLUS : (before Moriturus can answer) Thanks, but I’m not so great. I’m en brochette
today, or haven’t you noticed?
- 11 -
HYSTERIUM: Master Pulcher. Can I do anything for you?
MORITURUS: ha! Today you’re really gonna feel the heat!
P & H: Citizens! Listen! Help! We demand immunity!
PULCHER: Well, I’ll listen. I’m a judge, by the way. Tell me. (to Moriturus & his wife) Your son
already told me everything, by the way. (winking broadly to the audience) He should be
excused.
MORITURA: My baby! We should pardon him.
MORITURUS: But we’ve got to punish those dastardly slaves!
PSEUDOLUS & HYSTERIUM: Mercy. Mercy, Master.
MORITURA: You dirty pieces of doo-doo! The scourge! A hot branding iron. Skin them
alive!.....
P & H: Mistress, mercy! You’re beautiful when you’re angry, by the way! (kisses her stola
hem.)
PULCHER: Well, it would be better all around.
MORITURUS: You think so? Well, perhaps.....okay, I’ll grant them mercy.
P & H: Hip hip hooray! The comedy is over!
(All together for a song at the end.)
Se crepit! se crepit!
o, et se movet, se movet!
insanus sum quod
flori similest
ut apis ea punget
ut omnis puella!
Se crepit, se crepit!
sprecatus sum, se movet!
nulla puella pulchriora
memento feminae in mente
una res est certe!
GHOST: comes back in and scares everyone off.
- 12 -
MOSTELLARIA
NARRATOR: Stella Clark
PSEUDOLUS: (“tricky one”) slave of Moriturus and Philococlea – Scipio Imasogie
HYSTERIUM: slave of Moriturus and Philococlea – Tiro Snider
ADNAUSEUM: apple-polishing slave from the family’s estate – Telemachus Mullin
PHILOCOCLEA: (“Snail-lover”) son of Moriturus – Marcellus Culp
PHILIA: (“Lover-girl”) beautiful freed slave girlfriend of Philococlea – Artemis Z.-P.
MORITURUS: (“About-to-die”) rich Roman, father of Philococlea – Octavius Maximus Fisher
MORITURA: his funny-looking wife – Bellatrix Snyder
PULCHER: (“Pretty-boy”) best friend of Philococlea, a party animal – Titus Bradley
SCABEA: (“Scratcher”) Philia’s maid – Maria Nichols
DELPHIA: (“Delphi girl”) girlfirend of Pulcher – Poppaea Adkins
MISARGENTARIUS: (“Bad-Money?) a loan shark (“danista”) – Leona Kimchi
SIMIO: (“Monkey-man”) aged, next-door neighbor of Moriturus – Trebius White
SIMIA: his monkey-faced wife – Octavius Primus Riley
MACCUS: clownish slave, servant of Pulcher – Mattheus Cooper
PINACUS: clownish slave, another servant of Pulcher – Celer Comstock
PHANTASMA: the Haunted House Door – Alesia Schwartz
ACT I
(Outside the house of Moriturus)
ADNAUSEAM: veni huc, limose nothe! ubi celas?
HYSTERIUM: (emerging) sss! quid est? cur tu clamas? abi! abi!
(hitting him) redi ad stercus! ecce!
ADNAUSEAM: ai ai! cur me pulsas?
HYSTERIUM: cur tu vivis, idiota!
PSEUDOLUS: (intervening, bonking both of them) sistite, stulti!
ADNAUSEAM: Pseudole! furcifer! estis mali. omnia patri dicam!
PSEUDOLUS: lingua lunga!
NARRATOR: salvete! haec commedia est “Mostellaria.” hic est Pseudolus actor principalis.
hic habitant Moriturus et Philococlea. aedes sunt larvis infestae (makes “haunting
noises). hic habitant umbrae. (reassuringly) minime! minime! pater Moriturus
abest. Philococlea laetissimus est. semper ludit. puellam amat. nunc pecuniam
non habet! aha. venit Philococlea. miser est.
(Enter Philococlea, terribly depressed and somewhat hung-over)
Scene 2
PHILOCOCLEA: (musing to himself, with great regret) ego his aedibus sum similis. olim novae
erant, pulchrae, candidae. sed dominus diu afuit. nunc purgimenta volunt. ego
quoque sum sordidus. pecuniam perdidi. omnia perdidi! aime! perditus sum!
(sinks down in despair)
Scene 3
NARRATOR: haec est Philia, puella pulchra et serva horribilis, Scabea
PHILIA: (on the other side of the house) quam felix sum, Scabea! noli Philolocleam insultare!
SCABEA: Philia, si omnia uni iuveni des, misera eris.
PHILOCOCLEA: (watching them, unseen) o sordida vacca. la strangulo!
PHILIA: sum libera quod Philococlea me amat.
SCABEA: et alii?
PHILIA: non sunt generosi quam Philococlea.
PHILOCOLEA: ah, deliciae meae! puella pulchra!
SCABEA: mox pecuniam non habebit. semper edit. semper bibit. numquam aliquem facit!
PHILCOCLEA: (jumping into the conversation) vetus harpia! hic facio! numquam in his aedibus
edes! abi, scrofa!
SCABEA: porce sordide! miser asine!
(Scabea runs off. Philococlea sidles up to Philia until the sounds of his partying friends are heard inside the house.)
Scene 4
NARRATOR: huc veniunt Pulcher et Delphia. convivi animalia sunt.
(Pulcher and Delphia are at the door. Pulcher is very drunk. He is nearly about to fall over on Delphia.)
PULCHER: aliquis domi?
DELPHIA: auxilium! gravis est!
PHILOCOCLEA: ecce, adsum. Pulcher, mi intime amice!
PULCHER: PH Ph Philococlea! mi mi amicule!
PHILOCOCLEA: ubi eras?
PULCHER: (belches) ubi? (singing) ubi, ubi (belch) eram Pulcher ebrius?
- 2 -
PHILOCOCLEA: (laughing) oh, ibi.
PHILIA: (to Pseudolus) porta plus vini ad Pulchrum.
PSEUDOLUS: (unctuously) subito!
(Pulcher starts snoring very loudly on Delphia’s shoulder. She can’t move)
DELPHIA: quid facio? (she moves away from him. He falls over like a dead log. She is brought some
wine. Pseudolus kicks Pulcher, just to make sure he is alive. She gives him a kick as well.
He just snores louder.)
ACT II
Scene 1
(In the street. enter Hysterium in a terrible panic.)
HYSTERIUM: di immortales!
ADNAUSEAM: quid est?
HYSTERIUM: Moriturus advenit! eum vidi!
ADNAUSEAM: ha ha ha. spectare volo!
HYSTERIUM: Philococlea! Moriturus redit. morituri sumus!
PHILOCOCLEA: quid?
ADNAUSEAM: (calmly and smugly) pater redit.
PHILOCOCLEA: quid faciam?
ADNEAUSEAM: mori!
HYSTERIUM: curre!
PSEUDOLUS: purga!
HYSTERIUM: claudite ianuas!
ADNAUSEAM: urinate in subuculis!
PHILOCOCLEA:(to Hysterium and Pseudolus in desperation) ferte mihi auxilium! (He and Hysterium
run into the house and slam the door)
(Scabea comes out from behind the house to give Pseudolus the key.)
Scene 2
NARRATOR: oh oh! magna calamitas! pater et mater reveniunt!
- 3 -
MORITURUS: ahh. diis gratias ago. domi sumus!
HYSTERIUM (from behind the door, an aside, extremely sarcastic) diis gratias ego!
MORITURUS: tres annos in Aegyptia! tandem domum redeo.
PSEUDOLUS: (dripping with sarcasm) o fortunati nos!
MORITURUS: heus! ianua clausa est. (struggling to open the door). quid accidit? aperi! APERI!
(He bends over to look through the keyhole, presenting his backside to Pseudola.)
PSEUDOLUS: quis est? vultum non ricognosco! (nasty little aside) vultus insolitus mihi est.
MORITURUS: Pseudole, mi serve.
PSEUDOLUS: ita vero, domine.
MORITURUS: cur ianua clausa est? diu pulsavi.
PSEUDOLUS: (shocked) ianuam tetigisti?
MORITURUS: eam perfregi!
PSEUDOLUS: quam horror! fuge, fuge, domine.
MORITURUS: quid accidit?
PSEUDOLUS: tangere significat “MORS!”
MORITURUS: (knees banging together) mors?
PSEUDOLUS: (dramatically) mors. septem menses aedes sunt clausae. domine, sunt...
MORITURUS: sunt?
PSEUDOLUS: sunt umbrae!
MORITURUS: umbrae! ha
(a ghostly voice – Hysterium’s - from within)
INSIDE VOICE boooooooooooooooo.........
MORITURA: aime! quid est!/
INSIDE VOICE: booooooooooooo,
PSEUDOLUS: domine, umbra est. fuge, fuge!
MORITURUS: mehercle, fugio subito.
- 4 -
MORITURA. mecastor! quoque ego! (they run off in a panic.)
PSEUDOLUS: (to audience) quam intellegens sum!
ACT III
Scene 1
NARRATOR: hic homo est Misargentarius. est homo stupidus! pecuniam iuveni dedit. et – ut
scitis – iuvenis pencuniam non diutius habet! Philococlea et servi in alto stercore
sunt!
MISARGENTARIUS: annus pessimus est danistis! nullae patellae fractae! nulla bracchia torta!
et est mihi nulla pecunia!
PSEUDOLUS: ho la, danista.
(Enter Moriturus and Moritura, sneaking around as if they had seen a ghost. Hysterium sneaks back from around the
house and stands between them and Misargentarius)
HYSTERIUM: salve, domine. ubi eras?
MORITURUS: eh?
HYSTERIUM: UBI ERAS?!!!
MISARGENTARIUS: HYSTERIUM!!
MORITURUS: danista te cognoscit?
HYSTERIUM: (diverting him, pulling out some dice) YAHTZEE! alea iacta est!
MORITURUS: oh, ludere volo. (taking the dice and starts playing. He’s about as big a fool as his
son.) 7 and 11, ha!
MORITURA: est magnus idiota!
MISARGENTARIUS: (to Pseudolus) veni huc, asine!
PSEUDOLUS: moi?
MISARGENTARIUS: ubi est pecunia mea? ubi est Philococlea? da mihi pecuniam, cretine!
PSEUDOLUS: salve. semper verecundus es?
MISARGENTARIUS: ubi est Philococlea?
PSEUDOLUS: abest.
MISARGYRIDES: dic mihi aliquid ignotum!
- 5 -
PSEUDOLUS: abi, sis, belua.
MISARGYIDES: dicens mihi? dicens mihi? dicens mihi?
PSEDUOLUS: Jodie Foster non sum.
MORITURUS: (playing dice loudly on the side, trying to fend Moritura off) yahtsee!!!
PSEUDOLUS: oh no!
(Moriturus and Hysterium cross to give Pseudolus the game back.)
HYSTERIUM: ecce Moriturus. pecuniam tibi dabit.
MORITURUS: edepol. pecuniam huic homini?
HYSTERIUM & PSEUDOLUS: no!
(Moriturus and Misargyrides stare them both down on either side until they cave in.)
HYSTERIUM & PSEUDOLA: ita vero.
MORITURUS: quanti est?
H & P: minimi est.
MORITURA: quanti est?
H & P: (holding up their thumb and forefinger about one inch apart) sic.
MORITURUS: (slapping both their hands) QUANTI EST??
H & P: quinquaginta sic........ argenti.
MORITURUS: (as if starting to have a heart-attack. staggers all over the stage and nearly collapses).
quinquaginta? QUINQUAGINTA? (holding up five fingers as H & P nod back at
him, afraid that they are in for the beating of their lives. Moritura starts fanning him an
throws a glass of water in his face.) pro di immortales!!
PSEUDOLUS: aedis filius.
MORITURUS: aedis filius? cur?
PSEUDOLUS: quod illis aedis umbrae sunt!
MORITURA: umbrae?
H & P: (explaining to this dopey couple) boooooooooooo.........
- 6 -
MORITURA: (in awe) pro di immortales. bene fecit.
MISARGYRIDES: et pecunia mea?
MORITURUS: pecuniam dabo.
MISARGYRIDES: omnia?
MORITURUS: omnia.
MISARGYRIDES: euge! (he exits)
PSEUDOLUS: (to the gods) sic fecerit, mendax numquam ero!
MORITURUS: (to Hysterium) et ubi sunt aedes?
HYSTERIUM: aedes? (looking futively at Pseudola).
MORITURUS: mustelae pessimae! aedes novae!! ubi sunt?
PSEUDOLUS: (pointing to the house next door, Simio,s house) ibi sunt!
MORITURA: fantastico! mi vir, volo videre.
PSEUDOLUS: aime, aime. (looking out into the audience) suntne alii mendaces extra?
HYSTERIUM: ecce Simio. fabulam mutabit.
Scene 2
SIMIO: cena optima erat! (rubbing his belly) uxor optima coqua est! dormire volo!
SIMIA: (yelling out the window) mi leo!! ubi es?
SIMIO: (chagrined at being caught) ecce. adsum, mel meum.
SIMIA: mi amores. veni huc!
SIMIO: quid vis?
SIMIA: te desidero.
SIMIO: aime!!
SIMIA: quid dicis?
SIMIO: dormire volo.
SIMIA: in cubiculum!
- 7 –
SIMIO: aime!
(Pseudolus & Hysterium have been listening nearby.)
PSEUDOLUS: (to Hysterium) cena optima erat, sed mensa secundia erit pessima!!
SIMIO: dormire in cubiculo non volo. res mirabilia!
HYSTERIUM: Simio, bone senex. quid agis?
SIMIO: bene, bene, bene.......
SIMIA (screaming out the window) mi carissime vir!!!!
SIMIO: male, male, male....
MORITURUS (offstage) PSEUDOLE!!! HYSTERIUM!!!!
H & P: nos quoque, male.
SIMIO: dicite mhi. quantum temporis?
PSEUDOLUS: non intellego.
SIMIO: quantum temporis, ludi aedibus? cenate, bibite, lascivite!
HYSTERIUM: sistimus, Simio.
SIMIO: sistitis? quomodo?
PSEUDOLUS: omnia mutata sunt. moriar.
HYSTERIUM: et ego quoque.
SIMIO: cur?
PSEUDOLUS: quod dominus rediit,
SIMIO: oh oh! in id estis ad collum. (pointing to his neck)
HYSTERIUM: auxilium quaerimus.
SIMIO: nihil facendi!
SIMIA (screaming out the window) SIMIO!!! mi amores. mi vir!!
SIMIO: (to H & P) quid vultis?
HYSTERIUM: invita dominum in aedes. amat cenam uxoris.
SIMIA: SIMIO!!! SIMIO! - 8 –
SIMIO: consilium optimum.
H & P: euge! (in relief)
MORITURUS: (re-entering) ubi eratis, imbecilles?
H & P: cum Simione. id fecimus!
MORITURUS: quid?
PSEUDOLUS: aedes videre potes.
MORITURUS: euge! ingeniosi estis. (to Simio) salve, Simio. aedibus tibi gratias ago.
SIMIO: (a little puzzled) veni, veni, amice. Simia te videre vult. (and they enter the house and he
broadly winks at H & P)
ACT IV
Scene 1
(Party time inside P.’s house. MIME sequence between Maccus and Pinacus this is a very broad parody and the young
party guests all enjoy it immensely. The acrobats Maccus and Pinacus enter to entertain Philococlea, Pulcher, Philia,
and Delphia. Adnauseam serves wine, slipping on fruit peels and dying, etc. Maccus and Pinacus do acrobatic tricks,
then they do a crazy version of “She bangs!”
Se crepit! se crepit!
o, et se movet, se movet!
insanus sum quod
flori similest
ut apis ea punget
ut omnis puella!
Se crepit, se crepit!
sprecatus sum, se movet! se movet!
nulla puella pulchriora
memento feminae in mente
una res certa est!
(Adnauseam is dragged out ot the house and kicked off the porch by Scabea, Delphia, and Philia. Scabea also throws
Maccus and Pinacus out of the house).
SCABEA: abite, ebrii furciferes!
DELPHIA: Scabea, plus vini. convivia optima sunt!
Scene 2
(Meanwhile, back at Simio’s house)
PSEUDOLUS: placetne tibi?
MORITURUS: mihi placet. (rubbing his hand together vigorously) ubi incipiam?
HYSTERIUM: aedes rapere potes.
- 9 -
MORITURUS: furtum est!
PSEUDOLUS: filius tuus bene fecit.
HYSTERIUM: necesse est pecuniam dare.
MORITURUS: subito! quanti est? (He gives H & P the money. They run away to give it to
Misargyrides. Walking out of Simio’s house, he sees Maccus and Pinacus looking
in through the windows of his “old house.”)
o, la. quid facitis?
MACCUS: ubi est Pulcher?
MORITURUS: cur ianuam pulsatis?
PINACUS: eh, senicule, eh, Papino. quid vis?
MORITURUS: quid facitis domi meo?
MACCUS: abi, homuncule!
MORITURUS: QUID FACITIS?
PIANCUS: dominus noster, Pulcher inest. domum portare debemus.
MACCUS: tre dies bacchanalia sunt.
MORITURUS:b..bbb.....bacchanalia?
P & M: optima erant!
PINACUS: Philococlea est re vera bestia!
MORITURA: (re-entering from offstage) filius meus?
MACCUS: optimus est, mammina. omnes puellas liberavit.
PINACUS: et omne vinum bibit!
MACCUS: et cibum edit!
PINACUS: et omnibus convivia fecit!
MORITURUS: et illas aedes emit! (pointing to Simio’s house)
M & P: num tu dicis!! (they exit)
MORITURUS: PHILOCOCLEA! TE NECABO!!!!!!!
- 10 -
Scene 3
MORITURUS: (waiting between the houses) ave Caesar, er Simio! dic mihi – Philococlea tibi
pecuniam dedit?
SIMIO: nihil.
MORITURUS: Pseudolus?........Hysterium? (Simio shakes his head to both)
SIMIO: minus zero. (makes a big round “0”with both hands).
MORITURUS: aedes numquam emit?
SIMIA: (exiting the house) lunatici!! cur aedes nostras vult.
MORITURA: quod sunt umbrae in aedibus nostris. Pseudole!! Hysterium! dolum erat!
eos necabo....lente, lente!!
ACT V
Scene 1
NARRATOR: ubi sumus? nihil intellego. confusio est. audite. Pseudolus et Hysterium etiam plus
confusionis facient. oh oh. huc veniunt Moriturus et Moritura. me celo.
MORITURUS: (holding a whip) servos verberabo. mihi veritatem dicent!! PSEUDOLE!!
MORITURA: (to the audience) homo fortis est, mi vir.
(Pseudolus heads for the altar in the street where by custom he is immune from violent seizures and whippings.
Hysterium is right behind him.)
MORITURUS: descendite! asini!
PSEUDOLUS: nihil facendi!
MORITURUS: servi! portate ligna! pyram extruite!
MORITURA: mi vir, un barbe-que! fanta